1. Write a Damn Sentence
This is specific to online dating, but since it's one of the first ways you interact with someone else online, I figured it was worth mentioning. I recently was interacting with what seemed like an extremely interesting guy online, at least from his profile. Into nature, travel, running, had a good job, all the things you're kind of looking for in a profile. And yet, when we wrote each other back and forth, it's clear that he didn't understand that this isn't a longtime friend where you can text one word. I lost a sincere amount of interest when he decided to just write back answers like "Yep" or "Not Really" and not expound upon these replies.
I initially thought this was just because he wasn't interested, which is fine, but after not replying to his third or fourth monosyllabic reply, he kept emailing, albeit somehow miraculously with less than five word responses ("Hey, what's up?"), so clearly there was a pretty solid level of interest there if he kept pursuing things. Therefore, my advice to him (and anyone who does this) is that dating websites are not Twitter (and quite frankly, you'd use 140 characters on Twitter, so that might have helped him) or, more importantly, your longtime friend that you're texting. You're trying to show this person that you can hold down a conversation and that you are worth their time. Prove it by spending more than two seconds crafting a response.
2. Be Clear About Your Intentions with the Other Person
Listen, I'm not a prude. I get that with apps like Grindr and Tinder and Ashley Madison that there are people out there who really don't want to do the dating thing, and just would like to skip to the "dessert." If that's what you want, please, by all means, go for it. But be honest about it. Considering the insane popularity of those websites and apps, there is clearly an appetite for this, and while you should be safe (STD's, stranger danger, and all that), it's fine to do that if you're both adults and know what you're getting into beforehand.
However, please be honest about that, because it might not be what the other person is looking for, and there's nothing sadder than both of you wasting your time in what is frequently a fruitless endeavor (I'm all in favor of getting more and more things out of the way that are going to be dealbreakers before the first date, because time is a vital asset to me as I'm sure it is to all people). I've been on two first dates in the past six months or so where the guy I could clearly tell was just interested in me for that aspect of dating, and had absolutely no interest in anything else, and he looked forlorn when at the end of the date that was not what he was getting. However, I told him that my intentions on my profile were not to use this website as a hook-up site, but as a way to meet people for longer term relationships, and clearly I wasn't lying. There are dozens of sites you can use if you just want sex, just be clear about that when you're writing it.
Some of these people I think wanted to think, though, that that wasn't what they were using the site for (even though I talked with both of them afterwards and they both admitted after some prodding that that was what they were using the site for primarily). So I think it's important to be honest with yourself before you start dating, whether it be online or through friends or people at the bar or a service or any other ways (and I'm curious other ways people meet people in the modern era, because online dating is a bit of a crapshoot-comments section!), of what you actually want. It's totally fine if you're at a point in your life where you want only sex or just to hang out with people as friends first. That's okay to spell out, but know this about yourself, and don't lead someone on if that's all you want. Dating is hard enough when you have to figure out if you like someone enough to go exclusive, introduce them to your parents, take them to work events, etc. It's made ten times worse when one of you isn't interested in that path but is not speaking up.
Secondly, and this is my last one that is exclusively related to online dating-know what you want in your profile, but be honest about it. It's a harsh truth, but there are a lot of people out there who are exclusively interested in dating young and hot people. I'm not here to judge (but, unless you've got Brad Pitt's genes or Warren Buffett's money, this isn't a stable dating model, just as an FYI), but I think you should at least indicate that in your profile. I've read profiles of people I was interested in or my friends were interested and thought, "this person is PERFECT for me/my friend" all-the-while finding out that the person completely ignored the message, and the only obvious reason in that case seemed to be based on looks. This is something to just know about yourself going into dating. I remember on an episode of Brothers and Sisters when Kitty is filling out a dating questionnaire that she says looks are important and Nora is stunned and said that's such a terrible thing to say, and Kitty essentially replies, "I'm just being honest." If looks are important to you, make sure to put that in the conversation. Honestly is always the best policy, even when it's a hard truth.
4. Ask the Other Person Questions
Okay, this specific one is based on my most recent first date, which had to be a Top 5 worst dates I've ever been on (though, sadly, not the worst date I've ever been on). I had coffee with a guy for about 45 minutes, and somehow, during that entire 45 minutes he never once asked me a question about myself. I honestly toward the end of what would be the only date we'd ever go on thought "is this really going to be possible?" but yes, yes it was (try this in general with someone sometime, and figure out exactly how hard it is to do for ten minutes, much less 45). I would ask him a question, he'd respond with a story and had no trouble talking-this was not a particularly shy person-but when I would tell an anecdote about my life that related (he'd talk about the gym, I'd talk about the gym; he'd talk about work, I'd talk about work), he never even asked me a question about my stories, never a follow-up comment regarding what I was talking about. It was stunning, and something I've never experienced.
So here's a really strong piece of advice-you need to show some level of interest in your date. Unless you look like Michael Fassbender or Jessica Alba, abject narcissism is not going to work on a date, and it certainly won't work for a long-term relationship even if you won the genetic lottery. The worst part of my date was clearly that I thought he was having a terrible time, and was trying to find someway to get through the date faster by being a jerk (from a karma situation probably a terrible idea, but not the worst tactic pragmatically), but at the end of the date he clearly was interested in doing this again sometime, and said so. He even looked at my dating profile an hour later. So obviously he just didn't realize how terrible he was coming across.
So, and I cannot believe this needs to be advice, but make sure to ask questions about your date. If you are interested in them as a person or a prospective future dating partner, you should want to get to know more about them. If you're not great at asking questions stick to some of the soundest advice Emily Gilmore ever gave, "Keep it light-no politics, no religion...think of the things in the middle sections of the Sunday New York Times-travel, arts and leisure, Sunday Styles." Bring up favorite movies, recent trips, and ask about the family. It's pretty simple.
And if you realize that you've been talking without interruption for longer than five minutes, it's time to start an "enough about me, though, what about you..." style rejoinder.
5. Please, for the love of god, have a hobbyI realize that this is a lot to ask in this time-crunched world, but everyone needs a hobby. I talked in one of the other write-ups linked up-top that if you're nervous on a date, talk about one of your hobbies. This is, however, assuming that you have a hobby.
So, to clarify, the following things are hobbies: sports, movies, politics, writing, travel, cooking, marathon-training, sewing, any sort of collecting, reading, theater, volunteering, gaming, and bird-watching, amongst an infinite list. Your job is not a hobby, unless you're independently wealthy and just doing it as a condition of a strange will provision. If all you find you can talk about on a date is your job, you probably need to get out of the office more often.
Your family is also not a hobby, and neither is hanging out with friends. This is a little bit harsh, as I know people love to do this, and it's a great topic for a first date (actually, your job is too, as long as it's not the only topic), but I am going to say that after the age of 25 you should have formed a few hobbies that don't revolve entirely around your friends/family (particularly if you're still single after the age of 25). I get a little bit judgmental when someone says that hanging with their friends is their primary hobby, because it usually means that all they do at home by themselves is sit around and watch television, or that they're drinking every night, and to get a bit judgmental here, that sort of behavior doesn't fly after age 22. Which brings me too...
6. Know How Old You Are
This title is of course tongue-in-cheek. If you legitimately don't know how old you are, I suggest heading to the nearest emergency room and getting a CT scan. However, I find that sometimes when I'm on a date, people aren't exactly aware of how old they are, or more precisely, how mature their age sort of mandates them to be.
This is something that I have found exclusively with men, based on my conversations with women and men who have tried online dating, so ladies, you can sit on the side and just nod in concurrence. I have frequently gone out with men who are in their early thirties who frequently talk to me like they're still 22. They revel in the fact that they got "totally wasted" last weekend, talk about their parents in a way that seems to indicate that they're still seventeen, and frequently have that "don't have your life together" vibe that Millennials are lampooned for in shows like Girls, except they are five years older than Hannah and her friends, who are all too old to be having these sorts of crises to begin with.
So I will say it in plain English: this is no longer attractive. It was barely attractive when you were 24, and that was only if you had a guitar and looked like Keith Carradine in Nashville. You probably still don't have all aspects of your life figured out (lord knows I don't, and most people throughout their lives are still struggling with where they are going, regardless of their age), but that's not a card to play on the first date, and something you should probably figure out for yourself before you bring another person into the picture. If you can't remember the last Saturday that you didn't get drunk, but you do remember when Atlanta hosted the Olympics, you should probably try hitting a movie instead next weekend and taking a serious look at how you're treating your liver.
7. Ignorance is Not AttractiveThis is pretty simple-ignorance is not remotely attractive. General statements like "I hate movies," "Politicians are all idiots," and "I am proud to not know that" have no place in anyone's mouth, much less on a date. It makes you appear stupid, and less interesting, and depending on how you handle the situation, like a major jackass.
If someone brings up something you don't know a lot about, admit you're not super familiar and ask questions. I had a guy I went out with who was really into hockey, and I'll be honest-don't know a lot about professional hockey. But I asked questions as he seemed like a cool guy and we went on several dates afterwards. People frequently think that not having everything in common means that you aren't a good match; this is something I think a lot of people think when they're setting someone up on a date-if one person loves football and the other loves the ballet, they must not be compatible, right? This is wrong, actually. This guy approached hockey with the same passion that I approach movies, and that passion was a strong match-that's way more important than if he loves the same movies that I do.
Don't, however, say "XX is stupid," smirk, and hope that you successfully passed the buck back to a conversation that you enjoy. Listen, if the guy had spent the entire night talking incessantly about hockey and not about something we had a little more common ground on, it would have been a bad date. But it wasn't-hockey was important to him, he brought it up, learned that I would be interested in understanding more about it but didn't know a lot about it at the time, and then he turned the give-and-take back to a subject we both had in common. That's how general conversation is supposed to go, which is what makes dating that much easier. If you can't figure that out, you may have more troubles than just bad dates.
8. The First Date is Not a Time to Complain
I am not your therapist. I am not your best friend. I am not your mother. A first date is about getting to know someone else, and showing the best part of yourself. It is not a time to complain.
We're going to go back to the most recent date I had, because in addition to not asking me any questions about himself, he spent a good chunk of time complaining. He complained quite frequently about his parents (this is part of the acting your age thing as well-if you're over 25, unless you live with your parents still you should have moved on to an age where you don't really complain about your parents to anyone except your siblings or a spouse or close friend, and it should have shifted to arguments of concern like "they shouldn't be working such long hours" or "they shouldn't still be shoveling the sidewalk" and not "she won't get off my back" or "he keeps bugging me about what I'm spending my money on"). He complained about his knee problems. He complained about his car troubles. He complained about the job he was applying for. It was a total buzzkill.
Listen, I get if you're over 25 the venues of people to complain to have probably thinned since you lived with several dozen people in a dorm who all had very similar issues, but a date is the wrong time to bring these things up. Eventually, yes, with a partner it's vitally important to air what is bothering you so that they can help you work through it-that's one of the most wonderful things about a long-term relationship. However, you need to save some of that mystery for down-the-road. If all you do is complain on a first date, then you're clearly not interested in adapting to another person, because you weren't even willing to put your best self forward for a couple of hours.
9. Don't Bring Up Money on a First Date
Listen, I get that the recession hit a lot of people really hard, and there are certain sections of the populace that have been hit particularly rough by it and continue to struggle (in fact, we're running an election about this in nine days, so, you know, vote if you have concerns about this like I do, particularly if you live in Iowa, Colorado, Kentucky, Louisiana, North Carolina, or Georgia). Money worries are toward the top of almost everyone's list when it comes to what they are working toward and where they want to go with their lives, and this is something that is critically important to talk with someone whom you are sharing a life with.
But a first date is not a marriage, and don't treat it like one. As I mentioned in our last article, a first date should typically be drinks or coffee. If you cannot afford the $8 roughly that will go with that, either A) find a date that is free like a walk through an art exhibit or around a lake or B) maybe right now isn't the best time to start dating. If you continue to see someone, it's okay to point out that fancy restaurants or bed-and-breakfasts aren't really in the budget right now, but you can still do cooking with each other and stay in and watch movies and have lots of time at each other's houses (in my opinion, this is WAY more fun anyway). However, the first date is not the time to bring this up-it makes the other person feel bad about the place you picked out (particularly since they almost always ask "does this place work for you?") and makes them wonder just what they are getting into when a perfect stranger starts discussing their deeper financial worries in front of you. If they do this, will they talk about things I don't want them to talk about to other strangers? And it will also make them judge your financial responsibility. If you spend the entire date complaining about how expensive everything is, but then I see that you drive a sports car, I'm going to be left with a bitter taste about your priorities.
For those unfamiliar with this trope, a manic pixie dream girl is a woman in cinema who is solely there to make you see the possibility and hope of your life, not to actually have goals or hopes for their own happiness, but just to help the main, misunderstood male protagonist see his life for the better and to improve his world. Think of someone like Natalie Portman in Garden State or Zooey Deschanel in (500) Days of Summer or Kate Hudson in Almost Famous (if you want a male version of it, look to someone like Ben Wyatt on Parks and Recreation-patient-to-a-fault, always picking up the pieces of his partner's life, and rarely having any reason to exist other than as a reflection of the main female protagonist).
I am not claiming to be as beautiful as those three women, but (and this is going to become a bit braggy for a second, so bare with me), I am frequently treated like a manic pixie dream boy. I think I sometimes get this because I like to know a lot about other people, am well-versed in most subjects, and am cute, but in an approachable way, like a male Drew Barrymore. As a result, I frequently get guys trying to entirely put the weight of their worlds in my court, rather than having any interest in learning about the weight in mine. I went on four dates with one guy whom I liked but couldn't quite put my finger on why it didn't seem to be working out until I realized that his interest in me was entirely in me being his therapist/reassurance/plus one, not in me as an actual person.
This is a difficult one to tackle, and it's probably the only one that you don't get to on a first date typically, but a bit later (though you can hit on a first date-trust me). Think about it this way-why are you interested in this person? If the answers are entirely "they understand me" and "they are so cute," but not specific things you love about their personality, you might be treating them this way. If you say "we have a real connection" but you cannot think of any way you've connected into their past or personality, you're probably treating them this way. This is a weirdly specific one because if you've been young and single for so long, you've grown up with romance onscreen looking like Garden State and (500) Days of Summer (or, more recently, The Fault in Our Stars) and uncomplicated creatures like the love interests in those movies don't really exist in real life, and if you treat someone like that, it's not going to work out.
And those are my follow-up pieces of advice for online dating, first dating, and just approaching dating in general. I know we've written three articles about this, but there's clearly tons more advice to be had here, so have at it in the comments-what are your additional pieces of dating advice/pet peeves?
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