Love, Simon (2018)

Film: Love, Simon (2018)
Stars: Nick Robinson, Josh Duhamel, Jennifer Garner, Katherine Langford, Alexandra Shipp, Jorge Lendeberg, Jr., Logan Miller
Director: Greg Berlanti
Oscar History: Not going to happen
Snap Judgment Ranking: 4/5 stars

Me at 17 would have adored Love, Simon.  Like, it would have probably become my favorite movie. and still sit toward the top of my favorite movies list defying all logic or matured taste (right now that's Sleepless in Seattle & Jurassic Park, for the record).  And that is perhaps the coolest thing I can think when I was watching the movie today, on a particularly quiet St. Patrick's Day weekend.  When I was a lad, we didn't have movies like Love, Simon, and I had to project on people like Will Truman, a decade or so older than me, cause that was all the LGBT representation I could get access toward, and I love, love, love that we live in a world where Love, Simon exists, and where little queer guys like I once was will smile and have pictures of Nick Robinson hidden underneath their pillows, dreaming of finding their Blue or Simon.  It is so cool that this movie now exists, and I wanted to start there.

(Spoilers Ahead) But I am no longer 17, and I'm also not one of those people who automatically signs up for the same film that instantly fawns over something just because it's popular or because it makes me be like "OMG-that was me."  Because there are indeed things about Love, Simon I found freakishly relatable (not least of which is I also started an online correspondence with a guy online when I was coming out who helped me and supported me through this decision...though in my case that was a catfish & really a story for another day).  I remember the abject fear of someone potentially going to out you, and being willing to do things that hurt those around you to keep your secret safe.  But Love, Simon is the sort of the movie that wouldn't function without the fact that its main character was gay, and part of me wonders if that's enough to justify a film existing.

The film is so rife with cliches that it barely requires you to cover its plot.  The film follows Simon (Robinson), an absurdly handsome young man who lives in an upper-middle class home at a school that is both shockingly diverse, well-funded, and somehow both progressive/regressive at the same time.  He has two parents (Garner & Duhamel) who are plucked out of an Eddie Bauer catalog, and are woke (but still intensely suburban) to the point where you almost have to laugh at the way that Berlanti wants to make sure that this is relatable to straight audiences.  The film unfolds with a relatively compelling mystery at its center, with us trying to figure out who the mysterious Blue is (though if you're paying attention you'll get it right), and occasionally goes to uncomfortable places (I cringed over every aspect of Logan Miller's Martin, who was the worst kind of villain that I ended up loathing ferociously in a way I suspect most straight audiences won't get but gay audiences will nod in agreement over), but by-and-large this is a cookie-cutter film in the vein of Pretty Pink and Easy A (the latter it even borrows camera angles & editing techniques from).

But the movie itself is only as good as you want it to be because you want to celebrate that it exists at all.  I loathe when LGBT audiences complain about something not "representing them" (it's why Looking got cancelled!), but that shouldn't be confused with praising every LGBT film that comes along or pretending it doesn't have any faults.  The movie's plot is thin, its side characters are two-dimensional.  That doesn't mean they aren't fun (Josh Duhamel thinking that Grindr was "gay Facebook" was easily the movie's best joke), but it's absurd-no one has a coming out experience that good with their parents, where their mom is a psychologist and their dad is both a he-man AND intensely sensitive.  It's like watching a world you wish your coming out experience had been like, and other than Robinson's Simon, there's no growth here.  When his best friend reveals she had a crush on Simon, it's hard to, well care, and it feels like Berlanti is hoping that the (likely gay or straight female) audiences will remember the time they were growing up and how they had a crush on a gay guy (or were the gay guy getting crushed on).  I don't subscribe to that, particularly when you can spot other coming-of-age films like Perks of Being a Wallflower or Wonder in recent years and see the complicated side characters they interject into traditionally-formed narratives.  And since I have to get it out, I will say that it's disappointing that the main male character isn't played by an openly gay actor considering this film's historic place in film history.  I don't want to quibble with Robinson's performance (he's good in the movie), and I'm normally not averse to straight people playing gay characters, but considering this is the first really, traditionally commercial play for a film like this, it's sad that gay kids won't get a real-life gay actor to go with their treasured Simon.  Young girls, after all, got Gal Gadot AND Wonder Woman, while young African-American teenagers got Chadwick Boseman to go along with Black Panther.  It's a pity that gay kids don't get a real-life matinee idol to go with the character that they're clearly going to adore.

Because for all of my complaints-I need to get to the fact here: I really liked Love, Simon.  It's impossible not to like it, quite frankly.  The film is so empowering and lovely and warm, with moments that will make you cry whether you're gay or straight, that I really hope people see it.  I'll definitely buy it the second it comes out, and thanks to MoviePass I might even sneak to see it in a theater once more.  I frequently find myself having an eye-roll moment when someone says you liked a movie "just because it's about gay people," but maybe there's some truth to that here.  This movie would be impossibly generic (to the point where it wouldn't even have gotten greenlit), if it was about straight people, and it would have been nice if there was almost anything queer about the film (perhaps Berlanti's only nod to such complaints was his side character of Ethan, a character "too gay" to be our lead hero and someone whose story I'd love to hear more of), but it's a fun movie.  It's fluffy and occasionally bordering on the manipulative, but I didn't care.  I was in the mood for it, and I understand that there are going to be people who don't know this story by heart from being raised on John Hughes, and as a result that's really beautiful that their first introduction to such a world will be through a gay kid named Simon.  So I'm going with 4 stars not because this is treading new ground, but because even I am not immune to guilty pleasures.  So see it, bring your parents, and try to look past Berlanti's crush on making everything straight-friendly and inclusive, because Love, Simon is going to be special to a generation of young people in a way I might be too old to match, but that I can surely appreciate.

The Best and Worst Dressed at this Year's Oscars

While I will be continuing on with the OVP for 2015 and finishing up a few reviews from some of the nominated films (including the Live Action Shorts, of which I did catch Monday to continue my streak!), this will be the last review regarding the actual Oscars themselves.  If you missed it earlier this week, here was my review of the ceremony in general, but now we're going to dive into that other aspect of the Oscars everyone loves so well, the fashions.  This year, while it wasn't nearly as exciting for me fashion-wise as it usually is (despite having some of my favorite fashion plates there), there's always something to love (and something to eyeroll) so let's take a look.

Best-Dressed

10. Cate Blanchett in Armani Prive

I know this was one of those love-it-or-hate-it dresses, but I was in the former's camp.  I loved the coloring, the way that Blanchett is constantly just going for broke in terms of fashion (name me anyone else who could pull off a dress this complicated so well on the red carpet), and her continual push to break up the solo-shade, strapless army of dresses that cascade through the red carpet.

9. Tina Fey in Versace

I'm going to be honest here, I don't recall ever putting Tina Fey on a best-dressed list, as usually her red carpet looks aren't my style, but this va-va-voom dress (of course from Versace) is a treat and a great way to stand-out since it's so a-characteristic of Fey's usual.  Bonus points to making the necklace pop with an up-do.

8. Kate Winslet in Ralph Lauren

The other love-it-or-hate-it dress that I was enamored with, Kate Winslet's "oil-slick" dress, as others were calling it out, was eye-popping and may have been the first time in years that an unadorned black dress on the red carpet actually worked for me.  I love the long tresses in a year where up-do's were everywhere, and the color in the earrings popped nicely against the neutral coloring of the gown.

7. Priyanka Chopra in Zuhair Murad

Chopra made a splash in her first Oscars appearance.  The white translucent gown is gorgeous and ties neatly with the costume-jewelry style rings, but I think what really sets this apart for me is the belt.  I'm not wild about belts and gowns intertwining, but it's so striking and doesn't feel added-on but as part of the dress that it was a big win for me.

6. Margot Robbie in Tom Ford

I'm in love with this Margot Robbie gown.  Combining "hey Oscar notice me!" gold with a gorgeously sexy cut ala Dynasty, and then tied together with a handbag that has a sleek black trail. Black-and-gold is such a tough combo to tackle without looking gaudy, but for me this was a romping success.

5. Brie Larson in Gucci

I know some have called this a prom dress, but teenage girls should be so lucky.  The skirt is elegant and I love the way it feathers, the belt ornaments the dress nicely and keeps it from not being washed out, and I like that we actually get straps here as I feel like no one goes there anymore.

4. Jennifer Garner in Atelier Versace

Looking good is the bet revenge, and every year we see at least one jilted actress on the red carpet get a chorus of "what was he thinking?" and this year it was Garner, who looked sexier than I've ever seen her in an asymmetrical Versace.  Bonus points for the jewelry, which make the look even more regal.

3. Dev Patel in Burberry

Proving that, yes, men should also be asked whom they're wearing Chris Rock, Dev Patel took male-best-dressed in this sleek and modern Burberry.  I didn't quite think that I'd love the suit not matching the shoes, but the tie keeps a great balance and I'm obsessed with the more unkempt hair and beard.  I have no idea why Patel was at the ceremony this year (does he have anything to promote coming up?), but he at least looked the part.

2. Isla Fisher in Marchesa

Gorgeous.  The makeup is perfect, easily the best of the night, and I loved the vintage-meets-princess sort of styling of the dress, which matches Fisher's rom-com sort of persona.  Bonus points for going with a pattern in a night where almost no one else attempted one successfully.

1. Naomi Watts in Armani Prive

Perfection.  The chic box handbag with the intense diamond necklace are grand accessories to Watts' flowing indigo-and-magenta gown.  If you're not a nominee or a presenter and want to stand out on the red carpet, take a risk, and that's what Watts does flawlessly here.

Worst-Dressed

5. Amy Poehler in Andrew Gn

Every year there's at least one person who wears a dress that makes it look like it was made from your Great Aunt Ruth's curtains.  That would be Amy Poehler this year, who also picked a dress that made her look heavier than she is, which is hard to do for someone so pixie-like.

4. Olivia Wilde in Valentino

One of my most-hated morning-after dress comments is "she looked beautiful" because this is Hollywood-everyone is beautiful in an almost impossible way, and that's more than true for Olivia Wilde.  However, the dress is hideous and looks like it is put on backwards with the high-waist and J. Lo-style decolletage.

3. Kevin Hart in Dolce & Gabbana

Kevin Hart looks like he borrowed this from an old Siegfried & Roy act.  The shiny shoes on-top of the shinier lapels is a gigantic swing and miss.

2. Heidi Klum in Marchesa

Klum, no stranger to worst-dressed lists went for a prom dress that looks like it went through a deli slicer when it was tailored.  Even the coloring is bad, considering how it washes out the blonde supermodel.

1. Jared Leto in Gucci

Never, ever, EVER should a tie be substituted for a fake mum.  Never.  This is the most hideous thing I've seen a guy wear on a red carpet since...well, probably Jared Leto last year.  The hair is also a gigantic miss, as it is pulled back so tightly it calls into question his botox usage.

Playing the Odds on the Bennifer Split

Ben Affleck and Jennifer Garner have broken up, and this is sad.  The end of a marriage always is.  And I feel like karma would probably like me to just sit on my hands and not make any jokes right now, but I've been in my house all day, am starving (I am on a weird eating schedule during my vacation), and am feeling a little bit naughty from stir craziness so considering Affleck's penchant for Vegas, I figured we might as well put together a few betting odds about what the next few months will result in for us, since we've all seen headliner celebrity divorces before.  Here we go:

Odds That...

-They will describe the split as amicable (Even)

-That CNN will have used the phrase "breaking news" and interrupted a story about ISIS or the Greek economic meltdown to share this story (11-8)

-That a body language expert will be referenced in an In Touch magazine article to discuss their last public outing (5-4)

-That Garner will appear on the cover of Star magazine in a photo of her yelling, with a headline saying "Get Out!: Jen Kicks Ben to the Curb!" (4-3)

-That Affleck will be linked with a cocktail waitress, bartender, stripper, or some other "other woman" cliche (3-2)

-That Garner will be put on the same OK! Magazine cover as Katie Holmes looking sad and like a bag lady despite wearing enough couture to make your next ten mortgage payments (2-1)

-That Affleck will be romantically linked to his next leading woman (3-1)

-That Garner will move to NYC and make her Broadway debut to try and get around the paps in LA (5-1)

-That Garner will start dating a personal trainer/life coach/bodyguard/yoga instructor/costar in that play within six months (7-1)

-That Affleck will be linked to one of George Clooney's exes (8-1)

-That Matt Damon will be labeled the other man by the National Enquirer (10-1)

-That Matt Damon will be labeled the other woman by the National Enquirer (25-1)

-That Ben Affleck will start dating Jennifer Lawrence to create Bennifer, Part 3 (50-1)

-That Jennifer Lopez was somehow involved (100-1)

-That a Kardashian was somehow involved (250-1)

-That Angelina Jolie was somehow involved (500-1)

-That Scientology was somehow involved (1000-1)

-That this will finally give Affleck the time to make Gigli: Back in the Habit (2000-1)

-That Garner said "argo fuck yourself" when she told Affleck to hit the curb (5000-1)

-That they will put aside their differences to make Daredevil 2: This Time It's Personal (10,000-1)

-That Donald Trump will somehow blame this on Mexico (EVEN)

OVP: Dallas Buyers Club (2013)

Film: Dallas Buyers Club (2013)

Stars: Matthew McConaughey, Jared Leto, Jennifer Garner, Denis O’Hare, Steve Zahn, Kevin Rankin

Director: Jean-Marc Vallee

Oscar History: 6 nominations/3 wins (Best Picture, Actor-Matthew McConaughey*, Supporting Actor-Jared Leto*, Original Screenplay, Makeup and Hairstyling*, Film Editing)

Snap Judgment Ranking: 1/5 stars

There was a moment in Dallas Buyers Club, probably toward the beginning of the movie, where I realized this was not going to be an enjoyable experience.  It wasn’t when I saw the physical demands being put on Matthew McConaughey (can’t some Visual Effects artist figure out a way to not have actors gain or lose psychotic amounts of weight) nor was it when I realized the great amounts of misunderstanding and denial that the medical community used during the early days of the AIDS epidemic.  Nope, it was about twenty minutes in when I finally figured out which movie Dallas Buyers Club reminded me of: Paul Haggis’s Crash.

(Real life doesn’t have spoilers…but here’s your alert anyway) In the world of cinematic criticism (my world, at least), there’s no nastier movie to compare a prestige drama to than Crash.  I kept hearkening back to Crash’s two-dimensional portrait of racism, and thought that our central figure Ron Woodroof (McConaughey) would have fit right in in that world.  At first, it honestly doesn’t seem like Ron has a single redeeming factor-he’s a racist homophobe who treats women with no respect and has little concern about his own welfare beyond what will happen right now.  In the opening scenes, we see Ron reading off that Rock Hudson is a "cocksucker" and the reaction is not that the actor has died from a horrible disease, but that he is gay (and that apparently people confuse Cary Grant and Rock Hudson).

As the film progresses, like clockwork, Ron gains an understanding that people are people and that we’re all the same and blah, blah, blah, but like Crash, there’s something missing here-nuance.  The fact that he’s not going to get to have a natural, long life is terrible, but the film attempts to equate his actions with his later redemption, and that’s just not flying for me.  It’s like when Matt Dillon’s character in Crash is a horrible racist, but the film’s yang to that argument is that he has a sick dad-the two are not cause-and-effect-related, and his character is still a horrible person (there are other examples in the film, but Dillon’s sticks out because he landed the Oscar nod amidst that cast of dozens of big name actors).  Ron claims late in the film that he wanted a family and children and a better life, but as is the case at the beginning of the film, he wasn’t living his life in a way that was going to allow that anyway.  This doesn’t mean he deserves the disease (he obviously doesn’t), but it’s hard to feel bad for a man who, were it not for a stroke of horrible luck, would have continued on with pure hate in his heart and in his actions.

I’ve read some reactions from openly gay film writers criticizing the fact that this film, the first significant theatrical film to broach the subject of AIDS since Philadelphia some twenty years ago, features a homophobic straight man at the center of the story, since obviously the early days of the AIDS struggle affected gay and bisexual men far more disproportionately than the straight population, and with this, I have to reluctantly agree.  Ron Woodroff was a real person, but you cannot tell me that there wasn’t a buyers club that was run by a gay man.  The film regularly calls back to the GLBT community (Jared Leto’s Rayon, for example), but they try to equate the struggles of Woodroff to the gay community in ways that I found insulting.  Yes, anyone affected by the disease has to deal with tragedy, but Ron Woodroff’s plight wasn’t the same as a gay person’s.  Gay men were forced to deal with this disease by themselves in the early days when the Reagan administration did next-to-nothing to stop the disease from spreading and from being treated.  Gay men were thrown out of their homes before they were infected with the disease, and it’s relatively easy to see how intolerance and prejudice and publicly shaming the community caused the disease to spread so rapidly.

Yet Vallee chose a straight male to sell tickets, to get the sympathy of the widest possible audience?  That’s insulting to all of us.  AIDS was a tragedy before it affected straight people, just like in Crash where racism is a tragedy before it affects white people.  AIDS is still thought of in hushed terms, is still a national tragedy both in need of healing and in need of a cure.  Having a man who wouldn’t have given a hoot about the disease if he hadn’t caught it be the center of a major motion picture is wrong.

I didn’t really get to the performances, and I probably should before I close here, but I’ll say I wasn’t impressed with any of them.  The best of the three main leads is McConaughey, but he never finds enough shading in-between his transformation between bigot and champion-of-the-people (and that crying scene was terrible).  Leto’s work is incredibly two-dimensional to me, and the “big scene” that everyone talks about (where he fights with his dad) falls flat in my estimation and is a biopic cliché that doesn’t feel at all special to me.  Garner gets the least colorful role, but she doesn’t add any of the complexity that she did in Juno, and we’re left with anesthesia from her (and the less said about Denis O’Hare’s Dr. Snidely Whiplash, the better).

Those were my thoughts on Dallas Buyers Club-what are yours?  Did you enjoy the film, or at least find it worthwhile?  What are your thoughts on the debate surrounding the main character?  Are you also confused by the rather shoddy science the film promotes (Peptide T has little-to-no documented effect on HIV, for starters, and AZT eventually became an effective treatment for HIV)?  And do you think McConaughey and/or Leto is about to add “Oscar Winner” to the front of their name?  Share in the comments!