1. There Really Isn't an Online Dating Stigma Anymore
I actually know several couples who lie about how they met, because they don't want people to know that they met online. I remember the jokes from that episode of How I Met Your Mother about online dating. And whenever someone tells you that they're on an online dating service, they frequently will use hushed tones as if they're telling you that they are an alcoholic or shot a man in Reno.
The reality is that everyone is dating online now. Whether it's eHarmony, Match, OKCupid, Tinder, or whatever other sites you find (Farmers Only, anyone?), almost everyone has an online dating profile if they're single-it's the new frontier. Meeting people in bars sucks, dating someone from work is a nightmare, and unless you have that friend-of-a-friend that's perfect for you (and that ship tends to get exhausted fairly quickly), online dating is the actual best way to meet someone after college. Plus, we do almost all of our other communication online these days-why not asking out on a date?
2. The Art of the Photo
Okay, there is an art to the photos (yes, plural) that you are going to put on your dating profile, so I'm going to break it down for you. First off, if you don't have a photo and aren't willing to put a photo on the site, you shouldn't be on a dating site. Join Ashley Madison or start patrolling Craig's List or something, but no photo, no profile. End of story, this is a non-negotiable. I personally don't respond to profiles without a photo even if the entire profile looks awesome, and this isn't a superficial thing, but a personal safety thing. If you aren't willing to put yourself out there a little, then no dice; the only time that you should go into a date blind is if you're finally saying yes to your Aunt Diane's friend from work's son, who would be "PERFECT!" for you, and she doesn't have a picture. Online dating is not a time for mystery, and certainly not a time for blind dates.
Secondly, all photos need to have been taken in the past year. Again, no exceptions. I have a rule on a date (I have lots of rules on dates, if we're being honest, but this is a big one)-if you don't look like your profile picture, then I don't date you. I know that you can find awesome camera angles to make yourself look slightly/a lot better, and people's weights fluctuate ten pounds in either direction with utter abandon depending on the time of year, but as a whole, you need to clearly be the person in the photo, and have been them in the recent past. Otherwise, it's a nice to met you and a see ya! Again, not about superficial, but if someone is lying about how they look, what else are they lying about?
Also, the amount of photos that you put on your profile is important. A dating profile is not a Facebook profile-you don't need hundreds of pictures to show off how hot you are. On the flip side, if you only were willing to put one photo up, I'm a little concerned about me not ending up with the person in the picture. I'd stick to somewhere between 4-8 photos, with at least one facial close-up.
Finally, don't fill up your profile with a series of selfies, unless the app you are on is Grindr or some facsimile. The first thing I think when I see a series of 4-6 selfies is this person doesn't have any friends or doesn't want anyone to know they're on this site. Both are red flags. If you're like me and don't go around snapping photos of myself (I know what I look like-what's the point?), then invite over a friend for dinner, have some outfits ready to change, and have a wine-filled night of modeling.
3. The Art of the Profile
Equally important to the photo is the actual profile. The photo is, admittedly, what gets you through the door. THIS is superficial, but the reality is that if someone sees that you're cute, they'll click on the profile (another reason why your sexiest photo should probably be your main profile picture), but getting the actual date requires a solid profile. Unless you look like Chord Overstreet or Emma Stone, you're not going to be able to skate by with a blank profile, and even if you do look like them, do you really want someone that would hit on you based on nothing but a picture (if you answered yes, see a therapist and realize that the answer should have been no).
Don't make your profile a novel, though. A few paragraphs (maybe 3-4) that highlight what you're looking for in a person, what your friends think of you (text them if you don't naturally brag-their responses will totally make your day and give you extra confidence while you're writing your profile, and for the love of god be confident), and what you like to do. Very simple. If you cannot come with 3-4 paragraphs about yourself, again, hard look in the mirror and this time see a life coach.
I'm not going to give obvious advice here like don't put too personal of information about yourself, but I am going to say be honest, but not TOO honest. Everyone if they've been online dating for even a short time sees what clearly is someone working through an issue about a former divorce or just coming out of the closet or any handful of non-starters. The point of the dating profile is to attract a potential mate, don't scare them off easily. This is also strong advice for a first date. Some people justify doing this by saying that "if they don't want the real me, I don't want them" and yes, that's great advice in the long run, but a first date is meant to be a first date-a sense to see if there's a "maybe" here. It is not to pick out a partner, so don't go in ready to pick apart someone because they aren't the imaginary boyfriend you dreamed about at sixteen, and this goes doubly for a dating profile. Someone may say they like kayaking and you can't stand the idea, but you have no idea how important kayaking is to them, and maybe it's the only outdoor activity that doesn't make them nauseated and they wanted some balance.
Conversely, lying on a dating profile is a big no-no (absolutely no outright lies-again, I have a policy that if I find out they told me a lie during the first date, I instantly assume "what else are you lying about?") and don't hide obvious things. If you are in a legal separation or if you have children, this is probably information that's going to feel like a lie if you aren't up-front about it, and going to hurt your chances. So be honest, but not too honest (clear enough?).
4. Don't Be a Wallflower
The rules of online dating are different than real life, and this goes doubly for women. It's totally fine to be the one who sends a wink, a like, or even an email to a guy, particularly if you're striking out in getting asked out. I feel no sympathy for people who say that online dating isn't working for them, and then they haven't sent out emails to people and are just waiting for someone else to make the first move, or are only sending out emails to people who are perfect tens and haven't been active on their profile for three weeks. Oh, and be active on your profile (check in at least once every three days regardless of whether you do anything)-people notice that, and will assume you're off the market when deciding to email you or not.
5. Be Prepared for Creepers
I have a friend who did online dating and then quit, because she said all of the guys are creepy on there. I kind of see her point-there are a lot of creepy guys online, and I'm guessing that this is unfairly biased toward women being creeped on (sorry ladies), but that doesn't mean they're all creeps. Just be prepared for the creeps. Every dating website has an "ignore" button, and it's really easy to use. If a guy is creepy, don't dwell on it or take it as a personal affront or make you instantly question online dating. Just click the ignore button or say "no thanks" and move on to the next guy. It's actually WAY easier than being hit on by a creepy guy in a bar.
6. Don't Be the Creeper
No one wants to be a creeper and no one really thinks they are a creeper, so I figured it would be best to define this to improve everyone's chances. For starters, never say or do something to someone online that you wouldn't say or do to them in person in front of your best friend. That seems to be a pretty solid rule of thumb (again, this is for legit dating websites and not hook-up websites like Grindr, which have their own set of fairly specific rules, but probably still have a set of creeper rules that I'm just not going to get into right now). This means no looking at their photo 20 times in one day, no sending them a dozen emails, no sending them an email saying, "sup?" or "How's it going?" and nothing else, and no asking them for sex in an email (unless they specifically requested any of this on their dating profile, in which case look in the mirror, therapist, etc). This is the definition of creeping, and if you're feeling a little self-conscious and making excuses to this computer screen, yes, you have been called a creeper and it's fine, just don't do it again.
That said, there's a very specific form of creeping I want to address because it isn't obvious, and that's age range creeping. I don't want to be ageist here, but the reality is that sites like Match and eHarmony have a wide variety of people of different backgrounds, and that's awesome. However, if you are 58 and I am 29, and my dating age range is 25-35, you should not be contacting me. This also goes vice versa, quite frankly. This isn't to say that if you're right outside of the dating range or if you have other things that seem important in their dating profile (like, say, the height recommendations or educational background) that you shouldn't go for it (people tend to give ideals in their profile but they aren't absolutes), but if you're more than three years out of their suggested dating range (in reality it's probably more 23-38), then it's probably time to move on, otherwise you likely are about to be called a creeper. If you are 58 and only want to date a 29-year-old, look for the 29-year-old with a 58-year-old in their dating range, and go for it.
7. Don't Be the Tease
This is something that is very specific to online dating, and there are two types here. The first is the person who expresses interest, and then doesn't, and then does again. I am not saying that you need to date every guy that you exchange some emails with, or that a wink means you have to be interested forever, but don't be the person who emails back, seemingly interested, and then gets an email in response and doesn't respond, but keeps looking at that person's profile picture daily. If you're actually interested, email back. If not, ignore them (they'll get the hint quickly) and move on-don't make them wonder why you're not responding but still seem interested by looking at their profile.
Secondly, online dating is supposed to translate into actual dating. That is the one-and-only goal here. Therefore, don't be a tease seeming as if you'll go out and then never do. I'm not a fan of asking someone out in the first email (I have a friend who does this, and it tends to work for him, but it's just not my style). However, I tend to assume a catfish or a lying profile is in store if we've been emailing for over four emails back-and-forth and the idea of meeting hasn't happened. If you aren't quite there yet, figure out why you aren't quite there with this person, and either address that issue or move on, but don't lead on. That's something you've likely already had happen to you if you're on online dating (again, no one's first choice), so pay it forward.
Those are my pieces of advice, but I'm positive there are more-what do you have? Share in the comments!
I'm not going to give obvious advice here like don't put too personal of information about yourself, but I am going to say be honest, but not TOO honest. Everyone if they've been online dating for even a short time sees what clearly is someone working through an issue about a former divorce or just coming out of the closet or any handful of non-starters. The point of the dating profile is to attract a potential mate, don't scare them off easily. This is also strong advice for a first date. Some people justify doing this by saying that "if they don't want the real me, I don't want them" and yes, that's great advice in the long run, but a first date is meant to be a first date-a sense to see if there's a "maybe" here. It is not to pick out a partner, so don't go in ready to pick apart someone because they aren't the imaginary boyfriend you dreamed about at sixteen, and this goes doubly for a dating profile. Someone may say they like kayaking and you can't stand the idea, but you have no idea how important kayaking is to them, and maybe it's the only outdoor activity that doesn't make them nauseated and they wanted some balance.
Conversely, lying on a dating profile is a big no-no (absolutely no outright lies-again, I have a policy that if I find out they told me a lie during the first date, I instantly assume "what else are you lying about?") and don't hide obvious things. If you are in a legal separation or if you have children, this is probably information that's going to feel like a lie if you aren't up-front about it, and going to hurt your chances. So be honest, but not too honest (clear enough?).
4. Don't Be a Wallflower
The rules of online dating are different than real life, and this goes doubly for women. It's totally fine to be the one who sends a wink, a like, or even an email to a guy, particularly if you're striking out in getting asked out. I feel no sympathy for people who say that online dating isn't working for them, and then they haven't sent out emails to people and are just waiting for someone else to make the first move, or are only sending out emails to people who are perfect tens and haven't been active on their profile for three weeks. Oh, and be active on your profile (check in at least once every three days regardless of whether you do anything)-people notice that, and will assume you're off the market when deciding to email you or not.
5. Be Prepared for Creepers
I have a friend who did online dating and then quit, because she said all of the guys are creepy on there. I kind of see her point-there are a lot of creepy guys online, and I'm guessing that this is unfairly biased toward women being creeped on (sorry ladies), but that doesn't mean they're all creeps. Just be prepared for the creeps. Every dating website has an "ignore" button, and it's really easy to use. If a guy is creepy, don't dwell on it or take it as a personal affront or make you instantly question online dating. Just click the ignore button or say "no thanks" and move on to the next guy. It's actually WAY easier than being hit on by a creepy guy in a bar.
6. Don't Be the Creeper
No one wants to be a creeper and no one really thinks they are a creeper, so I figured it would be best to define this to improve everyone's chances. For starters, never say or do something to someone online that you wouldn't say or do to them in person in front of your best friend. That seems to be a pretty solid rule of thumb (again, this is for legit dating websites and not hook-up websites like Grindr, which have their own set of fairly specific rules, but probably still have a set of creeper rules that I'm just not going to get into right now). This means no looking at their photo 20 times in one day, no sending them a dozen emails, no sending them an email saying, "sup?" or "How's it going?" and nothing else, and no asking them for sex in an email (unless they specifically requested any of this on their dating profile, in which case look in the mirror, therapist, etc). This is the definition of creeping, and if you're feeling a little self-conscious and making excuses to this computer screen, yes, you have been called a creeper and it's fine, just don't do it again.
That said, there's a very specific form of creeping I want to address because it isn't obvious, and that's age range creeping. I don't want to be ageist here, but the reality is that sites like Match and eHarmony have a wide variety of people of different backgrounds, and that's awesome. However, if you are 58 and I am 29, and my dating age range is 25-35, you should not be contacting me. This also goes vice versa, quite frankly. This isn't to say that if you're right outside of the dating range or if you have other things that seem important in their dating profile (like, say, the height recommendations or educational background) that you shouldn't go for it (people tend to give ideals in their profile but they aren't absolutes), but if you're more than three years out of their suggested dating range (in reality it's probably more 23-38), then it's probably time to move on, otherwise you likely are about to be called a creeper. If you are 58 and only want to date a 29-year-old, look for the 29-year-old with a 58-year-old in their dating range, and go for it.
7. Don't Be the Tease
This is something that is very specific to online dating, and there are two types here. The first is the person who expresses interest, and then doesn't, and then does again. I am not saying that you need to date every guy that you exchange some emails with, or that a wink means you have to be interested forever, but don't be the person who emails back, seemingly interested, and then gets an email in response and doesn't respond, but keeps looking at that person's profile picture daily. If you're actually interested, email back. If not, ignore them (they'll get the hint quickly) and move on-don't make them wonder why you're not responding but still seem interested by looking at their profile.
Secondly, online dating is supposed to translate into actual dating. That is the one-and-only goal here. Therefore, don't be a tease seeming as if you'll go out and then never do. I'm not a fan of asking someone out in the first email (I have a friend who does this, and it tends to work for him, but it's just not my style). However, I tend to assume a catfish or a lying profile is in store if we've been emailing for over four emails back-and-forth and the idea of meeting hasn't happened. If you aren't quite there yet, figure out why you aren't quite there with this person, and either address that issue or move on, but don't lead on. That's something you've likely already had happen to you if you're on online dating (again, no one's first choice), so pay it forward.
Those are my pieces of advice, but I'm positive there are more-what do you have? Share in the comments!
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