Ocean's 8 (2018)

Film: Ocean's 8 (2018)
Stars: Sandra Bullock, Cate Blanchett, Anne Hathaway, Mindy Kaling, Sarah Paulson, Awkwafina, Rihanna, Helena Bonham Carter, James Corden
Director: Gary Ross
Oscar History: No nominations
Snap Judgment Ranking: 2/5 stars

While I don't have the free weekend I was expecting, I do want to get a few reviews that have been sitting around my "To Do" list out in the next few days, so expect a couple of peaks at movies you've probably already discussed, but I still want to put on the record.  The first of these reviews is Ocean's 8, the recent spinoff of the Clooney/Pitt/Damon revival of the Rat Pack pictures (man, originality is dead, ain't it?) which gives the franchise an entirely female remake as Sandra Bullock (playing Debbie Ocean, sister to George Clooney's Danny Ocean) takes over as the heist ringleader, this time attempting to steal a diamond necklace from the Met Gala.

(Spoilers Ahead) There are only a few genres I'd genuinely say that I like pretty much every time, but heist pictures are probably toward the top of the list (for the record, film noir, westerns, and anything where Vincent Price plays a villain would be the rest).  There's something wonderful about seeing the intricacies of a con being perpetrated, and indeed that's the best part of this film.  These are talented actresses, and even the ones that aren't known as great actors (specifically Awkwafina and Rihanna) are compelling enough presences offscreen that they're fascinating to watch, and as a result seeing them sashay around pickpocketing, wearing crazy-awesome couture...it's a dream.  Plus, it helps that everyone here is genuinely funny-the Ocean's pictures are about the comedy, and that was why in my opinion the remakes genuinely were better films than the originals with Sinatra & Martin, a clear case of the original not being that great (it was just cool).

This is to say that I'm usually pretty forgiving with heist pictures, but Ocean's 8 can only stretch that love so far by casting actors I admire and being in a genre I am susceptible to before I have to admit-it's not very good.  I know there was a lot of conversation about this coming from the stars of the film (Mindy Kaling and Cate Blanchett, specifically), decrying male critics for not understanding the audience want for a film like this, and while I am a male critic, I will say that I'm pretty much the target for this as a gay man; I get far more excited seeing Cate Blanchett or Anne Hathaway's name on a call sheet than George Clooney or Matt Damon's.  The problem here isn't the actors, it's that the script is too soggy, routine, and bereft of intimacy to really have us care about any of these characters.

That feels like the only way to really explain how, say, Bullock, who is consistently one of our most charismatic modern movie stars, seems to be on auto pilot most of the film.  Perhaps they should have figured out a way to get Clooney to cameo (I was so sure that'd happen), because she tows the line pretty hard between mourning and revenge, and as a result her Debbie is kind of a downer, and it makes the film heavier than it needs to be.  The comic relief is supposed to come from her motley crew of performers, but they're a mixed bag.  While some are fun (I loved Rihanna's energy as Nine-Ball, even if she's given virtually nothing to do except be Rihanna), Helena Bonham Carter doesn't feel like a person that could exist in reality.  Of all of the characters, her Rose is the one that should be WAY more fun (kooky designer completely out-of-her-element), but in order for her to be this successful, she'd surely have to know how to deal with diva actresses.  That every time she speaks it feels like there's a tick-tick-tick going on in her head, as if HBC herself is wondering whether or not she should be surprised or pretend to be surprised by what is happening, is staggeringly bad, particularly from an actress who is more-than-capable of landing a strange character.  The only supporting player that's truly fun is Anne Hathaway, who is doing a marvelous sendup of the Hatha-hater character people invented around her, and pretty much steals the movie as a spoiled, air-headed actress.

Without more commitment to the characters from the writers or actors, the film falls apart.  It's still fun in doses, and there are some great lines here-and-there, and these stars are too big of STARS for this to be a complete slog, but honestly you leave almost instantly forgetting this existed, and if you remember it all you just recall the lost potential.  Ocean's 8 is a paint-by-numbers heist movie with a world-class cast, which is a damn pity in a summer that has been too generic at the movies.