Ranting On...the Struggle to Have It All

I have recently been feeling extremely overwhelmed in my life.  Work, my social life, my goals for myself, exercise-it's been a bit of a mess.  I have found that the more I get done, the more that I find myself struggling to complete more.  This is partially my personality, admittedly-restless is not the most attractive adjective one can be given, but it's probably an apt one for me personally.  I do not get bored (saying "I'm bored" was basically the equivalent of swearing in my house growing up), and quite frankly this is partially because I kind of only think boring people get bored, or at least unorganized people do.  I'm not saying I don't enjoy some downtime or vegging out, but as a general rule I find that there is never a lack of projects to do, things to clean or organize, articles to write and movies to see, dates to plan and friends to reach out toward.

The problem I think that comes from all of this anxiety is that it's something that we as a society are not really doing anything to fix or support.  In fact, we exacerbate it.  Frequently I find that conversations with friends, family, and colleagues are less about sharing the best things in our lives, but more about complaint sessions about what we can't get through and "pissing contests" over whose woes or hindrances are the most difficult.  I frequently find, for example, that bringing up a complaint usually becomes a one-upsmanship sort of situation.  Most conversations could simply be a back-and-forth of "you think that's bad," and you would save valuable time.

I don't think this is a great idea, though, because it's not really being supportive of what is (admittedly) a "first-world" problem: "having it all."  This is a construct that, outside of a Nancy Meyers movie, is simply not possible.  It's not possible to be incredibly well-read, versed in art and film and music while also raising two perfect children, having a great marriage, having a meaningful and fulfilling career, saving while paying down debt while going on fabulous and intellectual vacations, eating right on a budget while exercising daily, meditating, going to therapy, taking hikes in nature, being politically aware while also taking time for hobbies, having a clean, organized, and decorated home and electronics systems, staying up with the latest fashions and trends, taking time to be an active member of your church and community while still volunteering, being a great friend and family member, and still finding time to sleep eight hours a night.  It's not possible.  And I don't get why we pretend it is.  We frequently chastise Madison Avenue for giving us unrealistic body types and for randomly making us feel ugly, but everyone knows that no one looks like Gisele Bundchen and that any hope to do so is fruitless.  Why don't we call out that NO ONE has it all.  Even the most positive of people have things they wish they could change in their lives and things that they fall short on (in their estimation).  So it's time to stop measuring ourselves by impossible standards.

And it's time to stop making others feel like crap.  You know what's extremely hard?  Raising a kid.  It's insane, and having a little empathy when a friend cannot go out because they need to pick up their kids from school or from swim practice is not the only thing you can do.  You can also, I don't know, try to work around their schedule.  This helps the other person who, in all likelihood, is also struggling to have it all, get a little closer to this goal (even if it's unattainable).  Too often I see my childless friends write off my friends with children for a Friday night activity simply because they know that they'll say no.  A) Ask them anyway (no one wants to feel excluded) and B) maybe try planning a bit ahead of time so that they can find a sitter or have it closer to the Pay Day that isn't already spent on tuition and the mortgage.

The same, of course, goes for single friends or childless friends of married couples.  If I had a nickel for every time I have gotten a back-handed compliment about how much time I get because I'm single or how the reason I'm able to accomplish something is because I don't have children...well, I wouldn't have to worry about how I am the only person contributing to my retirement accounts, rent, and monthly expenses.  No matter your living situation, someone else can ALWAYS make it seem worse and the reality is that each lifestyle choice comes with its own set of worries and rewards.  Plus, these sorts of cruelties feed into the worst feelings we have about ourselves.  People worry about being bad friends, being unloved, and being bad parents or children-we don't need to add to the chorus here when it's simply that our time balance leans more toward one goal than another.

Plus it's so simple to help a fellow human being out with having it all and reaching their goals.  Book or film clubs, Pinterest sharing, potlucks with themes, group yoga, setting up friends on dates, couples nights, babysitter recommendations-these are all just some of the ways you can help.  That coworker who has been running past your desk from meeting-to-meeting for the last six hours-perhaps offer up fifteen minutes to help them with what they're missing at their desks.  That movie you're dying to see-maybe find a night that works for a friend who has clearly been exacerbated lately.  There's no rule about "having it all" without anyone else's help.

And maybe, just maybe, go the extra mile and ask someone about what their goals are.  Perhaps they're too afraid to talk about such things, and their hiccup in getting to the next level isn't time or energy but just that they don't know how.  I have found in life that asking someone what their goals are is perhaps A) the best way to get to know them, B) the best way to share the wins from your life and maybe some tips, as long as you aren't turning it into a brag session, and C) it inevitably gets you closer to your own goals (karma is wonderful that way).  I cannot tell you how frequently I have talked to a friend or coworker and realized that we both had a similar goal and suddenly we're both each other's personal coaches to lose weight or read more or get that next promotion.  I don't want to get too Dalai Lama here, but the reality is that positive energy is going to help more than negativity, and most certainly it's going to help more than making yourself say something condescending to cover your own inadequacies.

Throughout Lent I'm going to be turning one of my Friday articles into something I'm passionate about that I think brings some positive light into the world (rather than depriving myself of chocolate for 3.5 weeks and feeling guilty for the remaining 2.5 about the Cadbury Eggs I have stuffed in my desk drawer), and each week I'm going to issue a challenge (that I hope you'll do and I promise I will do).  My challenge this week-try not to say anything condescending to make yourself feel better but someone else feel worse and find at least one person over the next week who is struggling with a goal and find a way to make it easier for them to achieve it.  If you do either of these two things, please share in the comments as I'd love to hear it!