This week has been a particularly challenging one for me personally, because I went through a break-up. It was probably all for the best (break-ups rarely aren't if you really think about it and gain some perspective), but it still smarts and since it's something we've all been through at one point or another, I figured it was worthy of a more personal rant than usual.
The problem with a break-up, whether you're the dumper or the dumped, is that you never quite know how to proceed. It's a series of awkward jumps, because unless you're wildly vindictive, you don't want to hurt the other person. This is someone you've shared things about yourself with, or someone you deeply cared about...someone you may have even been intimate with. And yet, there's a part of you that is hurt or wants to say things that you didn't have a chance to yet. Therefore, I have listed below five do's and don'ts for both the heaver and the heaved.
Tips for Breaking Up with Someone...
-Don't blame the other person for the breakup. Even if it's their fault, at least own up to your part in the matter. If the reason you're breaking up is that they annoy you or for whatever reason you don't love them, don't go around making them the bad guy to make yourself feel better by bringing up miniscule things from throughout the relationship that they did incorrectly. It's cruel, and not fair to the person who already has to deal with being dumped.
-Do allow them to have their say. Honestly, the worst part about getting dumped is the lack of closure. The reality of the situation is that the person doing the dumping has a good chunk of closure already, as they're ready to let the relationship end. You owe it to that person to answer the questions they ask, to let them cry-it's the humane thing to do. It's not fun (I've been on both sides of this particular situation, and both of them suck), but it's the right thing to do for the person that you welcomed into your life. For the record, I do think that part of letting them have their two cents added is to do the dumping in person if the relationship was of significance (not really easy to define significant, but if you've used the gf/bf tags, met each other's friends/family, or been on at least seven dates, I'd put it in the "meet in person" bucket). I also subscribe that as long as you've had more than one date (the first date has no such rule about a phone call again, unless you have plans made), you should at least acknowledge that you've stopped seeing each other through a phone call.
-Don't be a dangler. Unless you truly have a sense that this is just a temporary break, don't say that "we might have a chance in the future" unless there is one. Again, if that's the case, breaking up is probably not a great idea to begin with and perhaps a "re-evaluate the relationship" sort of conversation would be more appropriate.
-Don't pretend this is as hard on you as it is on them. I know that one of the good rules of thumb for dating if you're being dumped is that you have to realize the other person isn't taking this as hard as you are; after all they're the ones who chose to end it and we know that in those cases it's not always easy unless there were extenuating circumstances like infidelity. However, dumping someone sucks, and you don't always do it because you stopped caring for or loving them. That being said, it's not as hard on you, and don't try and be the victim (again, unless infidelity is involved, in which case most of these pieces of advice need an addendum). Don't say "I wish I didn't have to do this," because it stings, and also, because, you generally don't. You're choosing to end the relationship, you're not the victim here. End of story.
-Do be honest. I mean, don't be cruel, but don't say some sort of crap like "it's not you, it's me." Don't change the reason for why you're breaking up just because the truth is uncomfortable. Hearing, "I stopped loving you because of..." or something of that ilk may seem vicious, but honestly, hearing the truth is a lot easier than hearing "it's not you, it's me." Because the person wants their next relationship to succeed, and if the criticism will hold them back, you owe them that tool.
Tips for Being Dumped...
-Don't say something you'll regret. Listen, I know you want to take this time to make the other person feel bad about themselves. They just stuck a dagger through your chest and you want a bit of revenge while they're still listening. But honestly, you're going to regret saying she'd gotten fat or you faked your orgasms or that the filet mignon he made you for your anniversary was terrible. It's something you'll wish you hadn't said later, because unless it's a particularly harsh breakup (another time the infidelity rule throws this advice out the window), you won't want that to be part of your memories of this person.
-The above being said, don't be passive. If you don't understand why this is happening, say that. If you want an answer to a question, press for it. This is not the time to be a wallflower. You're going to be recreating this scene and re-evaluating it in your head for days and weeks and potentially years-get what you need out of this situation and if there was a question you'd always wondered, ("did you ever really love me?" "were you seeing someone else?" and "when did you start feeling this way?" are solid examples), this is the time.
-Do Allow Yourself Grieving Time. It's fine to feel sad for a while. Friends always start with "there's another guy out there" (for the record, if you're a friend of someone that's been dumped, there's some solid pointers to be sussed out here). Eat the damn Ben and Jerry's. Watch Legends of the Fall. Read Wuthering Heights. Listen to "Just in Time" by Nina Simone and go through a Kleenex box. This is your time to do what you want, and don't let anyone put a time table on the breakup (though if the actual grieving period has lasted longer than the relationship itself, it might be time to move on...solid rule of thumb).
-Do Find Something Constructive to Focus On. Time is really the only way to get over a breakup, and probably the best way to do that is to focus on something constructive. Start reading that novel you've been meaning to get to. Finish your spring cleaning. Finish that project at work you keep putting off. Lose that nagging ten pounds (looking good, best revenge, all that jazz). But don't just waste time. Don't give the other person the satisfaction of throwing off your goals. And by accomplishing something new in your life, you'll feel better about yourself, and better in general.
-Do Let Go. This takes one of two forms. First, you need to let go of the idea that they're still an option. They're not. Hard truth time: they haven't been thinking about you all day like you've been thinking about them. They dumped you-they're almost certainly over it already and may well have started dating again. You should not be texting them more than (maybe) a single email or text explaining that they hurt you or whatever catharsis you needed to get. That one letter or message is it (and don't feel bad when you don't get a response...and there's a strong chance you won't get a response). And it needs to go out fairly quickly (24 hours is a good rule of thumb). And then you need to move on as well-getting dumped is the worst. But if you've followed the above advice or if they were such jerks they didn't give you time to answer your questions, they aren't worth it. It's hard to hear because you still love them, but the reality is that they weren't worth it. You have goals and dreams that don't involve them-it's time to seize them.
Anyway, those are my pieces of advice. What about yours? Anyone been on either end of this conversation who has more pointers? Share them in the comments!
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