The Worst of the Best

I remember the very first Best Picture nominee that I ever had the privilege to see. It was Seven Brides for Seven Brothers, and I fell in love with it, watching it in my living room. Since, then I have explored many, many, many different films that Oscar seemed to flirt with, and this morning, after catching my favorite director's (Mr. Orson Welles) take on one of my favorite novels (The Magnificent Ambersons), I now can boast of seeing my 200th Best Picture nominee.


This journey has taken me on some wild adventures, from a bar in Morocco to a falling castle called Xanadu; from the windswept deserts of Arabia to the snow-covered peaks of Brokeback Mountain (and everywhere in between), and many of my favorite films managed to be shortlisted by Oscar (indeed, I recently noticed that my personal Top 10 favorite movies were all recognized by the Gold Man himself).


However, on this journey, Oscar has not always held up his end of the bargain by giving me the "best." Instead of going through the ten times Oscar most got it right in honor of this special day, I've decided to take him to task a wee bit for the following ten films. These are, in my opinion, the worst films that have been nominated for Best Picture that I have seen (hopefully the next 250 or so will have nothing in common with them). Before I start, honorable mentions should go out to Gladiator and Doctor Doolittle, who just missed this list.


10. Ghost (1990)
Unlike the atrocious doctor above, 1990 as a whole is a terrible year at the Oscars. If you subtract the beautiful GoodFellas, you’re left with some truly atrocious movies (seriously, why was this the first Best Picture lineup that I finished watching?) This romance, a turgid piece of tripe, may seem sweet and lovely in your memories, but that’s only because the Righteous Brothers’ rich melodies have clouded your mind. This is a truly awful movie-Demi Moore and Patrick Swayze’s earth/heaven romance is a love story between two dreadful actors, both of whom have the combined charisma of my coffee table. Even Whoopi Goldburg, attempting comic relief with mixed success, can’t save this bloated ship. Watch another romance, and pray that this inexplicable Box Office champ goes the way of Patrick Swayze’s career.

9. She Done Him Wrong (1933)
If Mae West were somehow reincarnated, and started to do Vaudeville on Broadway, she’d be selling to sell-out shows, and I’d be lining up to buy a ticket. As a standup comic, she’s like a trampy, insanely busty, oversexed Bob Hope; her schtick is predictable as dirt, but still manages to gain an endless stream of laughter. However, when it comes to this movie, she should have to stuck to the stage. Even the presence of a young Cary Grant can’t save this movie from being an incredibly dull farce. West’s classic one-liners aside, this is a messy screwball romance that is so forgettable I needed to check my crib notes to find out some of the key plot points.

8. Gangs of New York (2002)
Daniel Day-Lewis, stand aside, partially because you’re performance in this film, though a little hammy at times, is the only saving grace from making this hit the top five, and partially because you scare me to death in this movie. Marty Scorsese, a man who has made some of the finest, grittiest dramas of the last thirty years, proves that no one is perfect with this D-Grade historical epic, complete with atrocious acting from the usually reliable Leonardo DiCaprio and the always horrendous Cameron Diaz, along with a storyline that manages to be revenge tale, coming-of-age-story, historical epic, and romance, though never really becoming successful in any of these undertakings. Since this film, Scorsese has made two of the decade’s best, but after this atrocity, we had these filmic apologies coming.

7. A Thousand Clowns (1965)
Like Number Eight, this is a film that’s so dull, I had to check a couple notes to figure out some plot points, but unlike Number Eight, I just watched this movie a month ago. Its crime is also slightly worse in the way it presents truly annoying characters in a likeable light, and expects the audience to somehow relate to the “misunderstood soul” of Jason Robards, the spazzy Barbara Harris, and the precociously dull Barry Gordon. Even in a role that somehow won Martin Balsam an Oscar, the film can’t latch onto a character of much substance (Balsam seems to be playing Martin Balsam-not a bad role, but not of a stretch). Balsam, Robards, and Harris were all magical in Breakfast at Tiffany’s, Julia, and Nashville, respectfully. Perhaps they would have been better served storing up their magic and my memory wouldn’t vaguely recall this schlocky issue film.

6. The Green Mile (1999)
Leave it to Oscar in a year that seemed to revolutionize film for the next Millennium, when movies were exploring every facet that seemed imaginable, to select the really super-important-Stephen-King-prison-epic-starring-Tom Hanks-and-a-bunch-of-other-people-who-aren’t-important-enough-to-have-names. Seriously, this movie from its opening scenes is a both predictable and hokey. Who didn’t think the actual killer would be revealed, or that the scary giant wouldn’t in fact be a sweet saint. Michael Clarke Duncan beat Christopher Plummer for a nomination for this? This was nominated when Toy Story 2 and The Talented Mr. Ripley (amongst dozens that I could list in exasperation) didn’t receive a mention in the top category. Someone should have been punished for this, and unfortunately, it was the viewer.

5. Awakenings (1990)
Robin Williams is a funny guy, and not a bad actor when he puts his mind to it. Anyone who disagrees can check out his performance as the Genie in Aladdin, a comic tour de force if there ever was one. So why is it that when Oscar comes a-calling, he always seems to be putting in the most maudlin tales imaginable? The hopeless dreck of Good Will Hunting's crying-in-your-beer tale is really rather awful. Even worse, however, is this movie about comatose patients reawakened by a miracle drugs. A plot so predictable and overdone you have expect Cliff Robertson to show up screaming, "I've already done this!!!" Williams is mundane, De Niro chomps on the waiting room furniture, and in the end, even the moments that are supposed to be tear-wrenching have no effect whatsoever. All in all, a rather stiff and overdone tale.


4. Braveheart (1995)
I have not always hated Mel Gibson, I'll admit it right now. There was a time, growing up, I thought this Aussie could be good for a few laughs, and though I haven't seen it in years, I remember distinctly enjoying the mindless fun of films like Bird on a Wire. That said, when he wants to be "artistic" and "dramatic," he's a dismal failure. The Passion, with its violence for violence sake, would certainly have made this list, if Oscar hadn't had the good taste to leave it off of its shortlist. Unfortunately, the Academy didn't show the same good taste with this tale of William Wallace. The acting is abysmal (sorry Mel, but you are not Laurence Olivier), the script is ridiculous, and a few watchable fight scenes to not make up for a lack of proper story arc and acting. In a year with films as beautiful as Sense and Sensibility, Toy Story, and Babe, it's a shame that Oscar had to go with Mel's bloody failure.


3. Airport (1970)
I have thusfar been able to avoid The Towering Inferno, which I fear may be even worse than this horrid disaster flick (Oscar had an odd fetish for nominating star-studded disaster flicks in the 1970s). However, this is bad enough. Despite the presence of certified thespians Jean Seberg, Helen Hayes, Burt Lancaster, George Kennedy, and Jacqueline Bisset, this film can't help but fall into the rut of every single other disaster film, and is filled with schmaltz. Lancaster's tendency to overact several characters has never been more on display, and Hayes is totally wasted as a paint-by-numbers elderly woman. Only Maureen Stapleton is worth watching, as she steals every scene she's in; however, when the stench off the rest of the film is this strong, this is unfortunatley petty theft.


2. The Godfather, Part III (1990)
I was tempted to put this at Number One, but I figured giving this the top slot would be unfair, considering part of its failure is that it can't compare with its far more talented predecessors. The film, however, doesn't even come close to deserving an Oscar nod (not even in one of the worst years for the lineup that I've ever seen). I mean, Pacino and Garcia are fine, but Talia Shire takes her hysterics from Part II and amps up the volume, and most unfortunately, there is Sofia in the middle. Sure, she made up for it thirteen years later with one of the best films of the decade, but man did she have a lot to make-up for; that death scene is just horrid (and no, I don't mind ruining that one-save yourself and resist the urge to watch this and instead catch one of the first two flicks). A film truly worthy of its awful reputation.


1. Crash (2005)
And speaking of reputations, Roger Ebert's completely took a hit with me after he called this film the best flick of the year. I seriously would have considered it for the worst of the year list-when the best performance of your film is turned in by a woman whose in the film for three-four minutes (that you'd be, Devine Ms. Loretta), you have problems. It isn't just that the film simplifies racism to the simplest of stereotypes, it's also that it puts together a really awful, risk-free script, and presents a series of characters two-dimensional, you half expect them to fall over and reveal they were just cardboard cutouts.


And there you have it, the worst of the best. If, however, you want to enjoy the best of the best, do yourself a favor and investigate Nick's Flick Picks where Oscar-viewing is championed and it is accompanied by witty, incisive observations of the films that the Golden Guy loved the most.