Shut Up, You're at the Movies

Barbenheimer, the amalgamation of the Barbie and Oppenheimer movies that has swept the back-half of the summer blockbuster season and has resulted in two mammoth hits, is one of the most exciting things to happen at the movies in a while.  I was there opening weekend, my tickets bought weeks in advance, and a change of shirts (I wore pink for Barbie, black for Oppenheimer, very proudly for both) was in tow, and was so excited to watch both films in packed theaters.  During Oppenheimer, though, I could see the man in front of me regularly turning on his cell phone, to the point where I would've moved had it not been a packed theater.  By the final hour he eventually stopped, but this is not something new-in fact, it's something that has become increasingly commonplace in modern social situations, and something I wanted to talk about today.

Rude patrons in movie theaters is not new, and it's something that has been part of the public experience for decades.  I remember thinking a riot would break out during A Star is Born when an audience member not only had their cell phone go off during Bradley Cooper's death scene, but proceeded to talk ON THE PHONE as a weeping Lady Gaga was mourning her husband's loss.  Not getting up, but actually just talking in the middle of the theater.  But since the pandemic broke, I honestly feel like this has become commonplace to the point where it happens virtually every movie.  It has even started to happen in stage plays, where it was much less common before (partially because you might get Patti LuPone to openly yell at you).  I saw a stage production of the western Shane a few weeks ago, and several cell phone screens were visible as the show was going, clearly something that not only the entire audience could see, but also the actors on the stage.

Here's the deal.  I have a relatively high tolerance for certain behaviors in public or in movie theaters, even if they aren't things that I would do.  I think it's tacky to eat food or drink anything other than water in a live theatrical play, but I'm aware that ship has sailed, so hopefully you just time the candy crinkling to scene changes or loud musical numbers (I also have no problem with people eating pizza, nachos, or whatever in a movie & I do it too, but again...try to time your crunches).  I think the trend of people wearing their pajamas and bringing pillows & blankets to the movie theaters is bizarre (like...when did this start?), but if you're being quiet I don't care.  I feel the same about concerts-I think concert videos are stupid (they always look terrible, and you rarely rewatch them, so why not live in the moment?), but I think I lost that battle awhile ago on not having videos because people are obsessed with tracking their every movement on Instagram.  I know that when I see a children's film or an animated movie, I am going to have kids loudly talking during the movie at certain points, asking "is Ariel going to be okay?" and honestly, that's sweet-young people need an entry point into the movies, and this proves that they're at least watching the film.  And I'm also aware that if a movie is three-hours long, you're going to have people out of their seats to go to the bathroom (or to make a phone call in the lobby).  It's not a great look that you can't sit still for three hours, but that's between you and your bladder.

But here's the deal-that's where my patience ends.  You don't need to answer your phone during a movie or a stage play-there is literally NO excuse for doing so, so don't give me one.  If there's something so pressing in your life that you can't take a few hours out of your day to enjoy specifically what is in front of you, then you shouldn't be at a theater.  If your child can't get through the movie at-hand without you putting an iPad in front of them watching a completely different movie (with or without headphones), you shouldn't be at a movie theater.  Your ticket price is for you to sit quietly and enjoy the movie or stage production in front of you-it entitles you to nothing else.  Anyone who says "I paid my ticket, I can do what I want" has spent too much time in front of Fox News, because you sound exactly like Donald Trump...a selfish asshole.

There is this weird gut instinct to defend this behavior online, particularly among Gen Z influencers on Twitter & TikTok, and I gotta say-this is a weird, nasty fight you're picking.  Staying quiet in a movie theater or stage play isn't some elitist stand against anything...it's just being a jerk.  Common decency is increasingly out-of-style in modern culture, perhaps a retaliation to being forced to be inside for a year, with people no longer having any grasp of what proper social etiquette is because they want to lash out in anger over missing a year of doing whatever they wanted...but doing whatever you want still makes you a bad person.  If you want to watch a movie like you're in your living room, you should do that.  But if you're talking during a movie in public, recording the Barbie dance with a flashlight glaring from your phone, or texting your friend a selfie during the new Blue Beetle movie, just know that the entire rest of the audience is hoping the person next to you "accidentally" spills their Blue Raspberry Icee on you.  And we're all willing to chip in get them a new one.