I'll start out by saying I'm an introvert. And not like the attention-seeking introverts on TikTok, but like, actually introverted. I think I'd have to be, to be honest. One of the stranger things about working from home (which I love, it's honestly done wonders for my anxiety, if it does occasionally have an impact on my depression...let's just start up front by saying I have mild issues with both...honesty is the best policy and all that) is that I don't have a lot of contact with other people. This is partially for the best, because I don't love banal small talk (I will remember your dog's name, but you will need to tell me a couple of times what your job is if it isn't like a Life board game option like teacher or astronaut), but it also means that 95% of my time I spend by myself. That's not an exaggeration, and it's probably not super healthy, and I'm working on that (and not just by being on a dating website), but it's a problem & it's not an entirely solved one.
I'd talk about my job, but let's be real-you don't care about my job. You care that I'm employed & can pay my half of the mortgage & if I'm happy at said job if you're dating, but you don't care about my job. I've known people who were married for over forty years who couldn't entirely explain what their spouse does for a living. I don't particularly care if you make a lot of money (I can afford my current living situation as is, and I own a house that would happily fit another man in it, so we'll make finances work), but I do care if you take money seriously. One of the weirder things about getting older is that you actually start to own tangible things (like I said, I have a house), and you become weirdly protective of them because you understand how hard they were to get. So if you have some fiduciary responsibility, we're fine on the job/money compatibility.
That is arguably the only conservative thing about me. I am a liberal, a progressive, and a Democrat, but not in that order (honestly, in the reverse order), and have become more fervently all three in the past six years. If you voted for Trump, go away & apologize to your mother. If you aren't voting in the midterms, we aren't compatible. It's not about being respectful of different perspective's (I'm oddly good at that), but it's about not taking politics seriously. Because, again, I take things seriously. Frequently younger guys say "I'm mature for 25" to me as if that's a selling point, but like, my counter is "I'm mature for 38." It's not that I'm not fun...it's that I hate wasting time, and I think maturity levels are more important the older you get because it's harder to tolerate when someone is at a place you recognize from a past version of yourself (and know how long it takes to leave that spot).
That said, I have a fun side, and can be playful. I'm almost 40 but I don't really look it. I think the thing that gets me most excited about anyone else is their nerdy side, so if you have that, let it fly in front of me soon. It doesn't have to be the same thing as mine, but the more passionate you are about something you love, the better. It's what I find most attractive in someone else-trying, especially when you don't have to, is very sexy.
I guess I should share something about me other than a series of non-sequitors (I generally make sense, but on occasion will start a conversation I've clearly already started in my head-you get used to it, it's like dating a Wikipedia rabbit hole). I will talk for hours about classic cinema, electoral politics, or the TV show Lost-do not bring them up unless you want to see my face light up like a Christmas tree (and if you don't have 60-90 minutes to spare of your day). I am never happier than when I am sitting in a darkened movie theater, though riding on a plane to a place I've never been or boiling a pot of pasta are similarly lovely experiences. I'm not annoying about politics (if you're apolitical but vote for the left, that's really all I need) and I'm also not cynical about them (as a general rule, I am cynical about very few things), but if you want to get lucky, doing so on the night the Democrats win a major branch of the government is basically the free space in Bingo.
Dealbreakers? I could go into cliches (be nice to wait staff, no smokers, be polite to my parents), but if we're being honest, it's more hoping that we are on the same wavelength (also, if you violate those cliches you have serious problems). I am satisfied with where I am in this world. I love my house, I generally like my job. I love living in Minnesota, and I don't intend on moving as the family I love lives here. I am scared to move to another city, truth be told, knowing how hard it is to make friends as you age (and as a result, the friends I do have I hold that much closer). I want adventure, but I want it with a home base. If you need to still be a nomad & live throughout the world without solid roots, I find that lifestyle appealing, tempting even...but I don't think it would make me happy.
I no longer want kids, and while that's not a dealbreaker (particularly if you already have them), it is where I'm at. This wasn't always the case-I spent most of my first 35 years on this planet assuming I'd someday get to be a dad, and was excited by the prospect...but I gave up that dream a few years ago & I don't know that I want the heartache associated with it. I waited long enough to get married, and I would never want to hold someone back from having kids, but I don't think that will be a chapter in my life, and I've come to peace with it. I think part of life is admitting when a dream needs to just be that, and I think I (and hopefully we) can fill our time with travel and movies and love. I feel like that can be enough.
I think the best part of me might be an open heart. I love very big, and trust very deep. I don't love a lot of people, but the people I love get all of me. I'll happily drive someone I love to the airport at 5 AM or spend my Sunday night prepping them for a job interview or rent a car to see a play they're in when mine breaks down (none of those are hypotheticals-they've all actually happened). I'm very self-aware, which I consider to be an asset, but I think sometimes comes across as being intimidating, particularly when coupled with being super goal-driven. I spend a lot of my time living very rigidly, which is something that I try really hard not to put on other people, but I know that I'm not always successful. In a relationship, I would work on that-it's a fault I'm aware of, and while I can make it work for me, I know it doesn't work for an "us" and it's something I'd be willing to bend or break to make room for someone in my life.
Physically, I like redheads, guys with beards, & confident guys. My last boyfriend had all three and is now engaged to another man...so let's say that I'm willing to explore other paths when it comes to guys as I know this isn't a magic combination. As long as you aren't super flighty, that's probably the thing I find least attractive. I have always struggled with my weight. I am working on it, but it will always be there, and if you want me to always look like an Instagram model, I'm not going to. And neither are you, for the record (people age), but I do always strive to be better. Love me at any size, but know that I am always trying to keep that in check for me, even if it's not important for you (and if it is, we're not a match because I'll never be able to handle that kind of pressure).
I have to be honest, I no longer believe you're real. I used to say that, and in my darkest moments I genuinely believed it, but it was always something I could shake. A friend of mine once marveled that I was able to continue going on dates, even when I kept getting so much resistance, but something broke in me in the past year that I haven't been able to fix. Literal decades of rejection can wear on even the most optimistic souls, and it hurts to know that even if I meet a man, he missed out on half of my life when the other people I love met their partners so early in their timelines. There are so many stories he didn't get to be a part of, and I have some anger at the universe for making me wait so long...if you come at all. I am convinced love exists...I'm no longer convinced someone can love me. Not a fairy tale version of myself or a hypothetical version of me, but the real, actual me.
But I do want you to be real still. My head might have resigned itself to the likeliest fate, but my heart hasn't. I think I have a lot to offer. I like to think of myself as a generous spirit, a caring friend, & someone who can carry a conversation. Most people like me, and I suspect you could too if you gave me a chance. The one thing from the article five years ago that I do remember (because I carry it like an albatross) still holds true-I have kept a part of my heart carved out for you my whole life, and I don't know what I'll do if I have to keep it empty forever. I'm so tired of keeping it empty. Don't make either of us wait any longer-we've done enough of that.
-John
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