The Trauma of November 8th

I remember distinctly the moment that I realized Donald Trump was going to win.  I had not predicted his victory. I understood, at least on some level, that it was possible, and there were certainly warning signs that I was ignoring.  Too many men I had talked to seemed to adamantly dislike Hillary Clinton, to the point where even those that voted for her were doing so as if they were being tortured into doing so, and it should've dawned on me that if these men were struggling to do the right thing, others were likely to just skip the election or try to "teach Hillary a lesson" since they assume she couldn't lose, and wanted to give her a slimmer victory.  My boyfriend at the time was a Bernie supporter who was convinced Trump would win because so many of he & his friends actively disliked Clinton, and while he, again, was voting for her, it should've occurred to me that this was a sign that Clinton was vulnerable.  But polls had shown Clinton leading, sometimes by a little, sometimes by a lot, but always by something, and in my heart I couldn't comprehend comparing the two and coming away voting for Trump.  How could you look at that horrible, racist man & think that he was somehow the "better of two evils," as so many had put it?

But I did realize it, and relatively early in the night.  It was clear when the Democrats started to struggle in North Carolina that this was not going to be a landslide victory.  Then the Florida results started to come in, and Trump was doing better-than-expected.  It was, however, when it was becoming obvious that Ron Johnson was going to beat Russ Feingold for the second time that the nervousness that was awash over me started to turn into genuine, understanding terror.  I asked my boyfriend (who would, shortly after, no longer be my boyfriend, perhaps because we had very different reactions to this result) if I could be alone as this was starting to turn into a nightmare, and I began fielding texts from friends & family saying "wait-does this mean Trump might win?" and I had to begin responding "it doesn't mean he "might"-he's going to win."  News anchors, impartial but clearly stunned, looked like they'd been lobotomized they were so robotic in reporting the news, knowing that for months they'd treated this man as a joke, and now there were tens of millions of Americans who were sitting at home in stunned silence, wondering what was to come & why the media had not properly prepared them for this result.

In four years, I have never once uttered the "we didn't know it would be this bad" comment.  I feel like only lazy people who weren't paying attention make this comment.  It was very clear when Donald Trump was running for president what kind of man he was.  He mocked the disabled.  He berated women.  He attacked veterans.  He engaged in racist dogwhistles at levels not seen in a national politician since George Wallace.  The years that followed were not a surprise.  Children in cages, foreign corruption, white supremacist violence, a mishandled pandemic...these were all in the cards four years ago when that announcement was made.  It's why so many felt dumbfounded-we had let a hurricane into our homes, knowing what it would do & that we could stop it, but had chosen to let it happen anyway.

On Tuesday, I will begin to publish my predictions for election night, and I'll be real here-I will be predicting a victory for Joe Biden, just like I did four years ago with Hillary Clinton, though I'm undecided on the final margin or if I'll ultimately pick a Democratic Senate or not.  The election is different from Clinton's in a lot of ways.  Biden has had a more consistent lead, and his favorables are stronger (whether because he's genuinely better liked or because he's a man is a conversation we need to have at some point as we assess when a woman will finally become president, but that's an article for a different day).  He has more paths to the presidency than Clinton did four years ago, thanks specifically to better shoring up support in Michigan & Wisconsin, and opening up polling leads in North Carolina &  Arizona, as well as putting Texas & Georgia into play.  Trump is also no longer a theory-he's a reality.  The nation has seen that Trump isn't a joke-those who disliked him but underestimated him have seen the ravages of his presidency, and know what another four years of this would be like.  And there's no reliance on the polls anymore.  Despite every evidence showing Biden will win, betting markets still give Trump the benefit-of-the-doubt, assuming that if he could pull off an upset once, he can do it again.  This will likely result in people swarming the polls simply because they have heard every day for four years that turnout is the only way to stop him.  All of this makes a difference-the Democrats have played their best hand, and it looks like a winning one, and we have seen for four years that Trump is not a magician, that he oftentimes ends up the vanquished in negotiations, or in the 2017, 2018, & 2019 elections, a loser.

But, I'll be real here.  As I predict these things, I will do so with an amount of dread.  As we approach the election, I'll likely continue to have actual nightmares about that night (and I suspect I'm not the only one).  I have already started building in distractions for myself over the next nine days, and on Election Day I am volunteering all morning, followed by an evening completely abandoned from my diet (regardless of the outcome, I am going to be ill for several days from stress eating).  I think it's safe to say that much of the country experienced an actual moment of medical trauma on November 8, 2016, and collectively have been dealing with the ramifications of that since, and there is a small part in the back of my head that can't really breathe because I don't want to have that stomach drop again.  I don't want to think "it's finally over" and realize once again that it's not, and we have to endure four more years of this.  I keep getting asked from people "what are you going to do if Trump wins?" and I can't mentally think about it it's so awful.  I've lost elections before, but it never felt like the end of the world.  If it happens this time, it will feel like the end of the world, much more so than four years ago.  I personally think that regardless of the outcome the weeks after November 3rd could be a dark chapter in America, as we see the losing side react, potentially violently (if 2020 has been any indication, that feels like a likely outcome), and we have to endure the two months of a lame duck presidency (or the promise of four more years of Trump, possibly longer if his totalitarian overtures become reality), but there will be a light at the end of the tunnel if it is Biden winning.  It won't be over, but it'll be a sign that it could be over, and potentially soon.  But if Trump wins...I have no answers.  Like four years ago, nothing that happens in a second Trump term would surprise me-there is no floor on this presidency that I don't think he'll be willing to push beyond.  I will have no words of comfort if he wins to soothe anyone else's hearts, particularly my own.  

I watch a lot of movies, and in movies there is oftentimes a moment where the hero either as to win or everything they love is destroyed.  This is not a movie, of course, but it is that moment-there is no going back from this.  Either we win or we face likely destruction; there's no Plan B, there's no second chance, it's win or lose, end of story.  So vote.  It's our only remedy, and it will matter.  Text everyone you know, and don't feel bad if you're annoying the friends that you know will support Biden but for some reason haven't voted yet.  Help them, let them know their polling places, guide them, make sure they return their ballots, & vote early if they can.  I don't know that there's anything that we can do to correct all of the damage of the past four years (some of the scars will remain), and no amount of logic will keep you from having nightmares for the next 9 days, from being filled with an abject dread.  But if you vote, and enough of us vote, this can finally be over.  So let's fucking win this thing America.