OVP: The Lion King (2019)

Film: The Lion King (2019)
Stars: Donald Glover, Seth Rogen, Chiwetel Ejiofor, Alfre Woodard, Billy Eichner, John Kani, John Oliver, Beyonce Knowles-Carter, James Earl Jones
Director: Jon Favreau
Oscar History: 1 nomination (Best Visual Effects)
Snap Judgment Ranking: 1/5 stars

Well, Disney, you got me.  I promised when this movie came out (and really, after I saw the dreadful Beauty and the Beast) that unless there was a stark enough difference between the original and the remake (say, Cinderella, or perhaps Dumbo) I would not be investing my time into another Disney live-action remake...unless of course my duties to the OVP got called up, and so here we are.  While The Lion King didn't end up getting the expected citation for Best Original Song (Beyonce continues to be without an Oscar nomination while her "Telephone" duet partner Lady Gaga now has three), it did score for its celebrated visual effects, and I would bet a lot of money will end up with a trophy for the category come Sunday night.  But since I've now seen the movie, was it really worth the boycott? And are the effects truly Oscar-worthy?  Let's dive in, shall we?

(Snap Judgment Ranking) I'm sure you already know this story, right?  I mean, if you're a carbon-based life form who has seen a movie in the past thirty years, you've probably seen some version of The Lion King, arguably Disney's most ubiquitous movie/franchise in that era.  For those that haven't, it's basically Hamlet in the plains of Africa.  Simba (Glover) is a young lion cub who will one day inherit his throne from his father Mufasa (Jones), which puts Scar (Ejiofor) into a pickle as he wants to be king, and also wants to get with Mufasa's wife Sarabi (Woodard).  One day, Scar tricks Mufasa into saving Simba, killing Mufasa in the process, and then convincing Simba that he's killed his father.  Simba runs away, becomes friends with a warthog named Pumbaa (Rogen) and a meerkat named Timon (Eichner), and they become unlikely friends until Nala (Knowles-Carter), Simba's childhood sweetheart and future queen, comes and recruits Simba to stand up to Scar and reclaim the throne.

This is the plot of 1994's film, as well as 2019's.  Verbatim.  Because while there are occasionally lines that change (particularly updating some of the humor of Timon & Pumbaa's one-liners to match their distinctive actors' personalities), this movie is a carbon copy of the original animated version.  In some sense, you'd think this might save it.  After all, the original was a cherished film for a reason-while I prefer Beauty and the Beast or Pocahontas from 1990's Disney, I get why this was a massive hit-it's a good movie.  But 2019's film is a zombie picture, one that sucks all of the magic and life and color out of the original.

It starts with the visual effects, which are, umm, unfortunate.  These are impressive creations, to be sure-we're talking about major steps in an unprecedented direction, but like The Irishman or Captain Marvel, they're also firmly in the Uncanny Valley.  Maybe it's because I live-and-breath David Attenborough's documentaries, but I know what a real-life lion or zebra or hyena looks like, and that's clearly not what's here.  These are just "impressive" without ever being real and that's not what Favreau is going for in the same way that Scorsese wasn't going for that in The Irishman.  It's laughable and creepy when the animals talk, their mouths mumbling around with little care, almost as if they're trying to mimic what a lion would talk like...if it sounded like Beyonce.  The special effects are occasionally cool-the backgrounds are arguably the best part of the film, but honestly...something like Finding Dory or certainly Avatar does this more beautifully than The Lion King could ever hope for, and this is the sort of knee-jerk nomination that is really not earned if you think about it for two seconds.

And that's by far the best thing to lend to the movie.  The new songs are disposable (Beyonce's "Spirit" missed because of vote-splitting, but it's a forgettable dirge and she & AMPAS can do better).  The musical numbers lack the flare of the original (think of the giant, bright colors of "Just Can't Wait to Be King" or the wonder of "Circle of Life").  And the performances are awful.  Seriously-there are talented actors in this cast (Alfre freaking Woodrd is on the call sheet!), and yet no one is finding any soul in these characters.  So intent are they to recreate the original with "updated effects" that they totally gloss over growing these characters into anything real.  Glover's Simba has no discernible personality.  Beyonce's Nala has even less.  Even Scar, a truly well-etched, vain, pompous, maniacal villain in the original, falls flat in Ejiofor's hands (I don't entirely get why they thought it was wise to keep Jones and not Jeremy Irons if they wanted to borrow some of the classic's magic).  The best of the bunch might be Billy Eichner, who at least reinvents Timon, but he also doesn't have the vocal chops of Nathan Lane so there's no one who is actually improving on the original.  All-in-all, this is a totally unnecessary cash grab from a studio that doesn't seem to know how to stop pillaging our love for its old products, and it's going to take self-restraint (and maybe, say, letting Mulan or The Little Mermaid bomb) before they get the message that we want more Coco/Frozen, and less hackneyed ripoffs.