OVP: Beauty and the Beast (2017)

Film: Beauty and the Beast (2017)
Stars: Emma Watson, Dan Stevens, Luke Evans, Kevin Kline, Josh Gad, Ewan McGregor, Stanley Tucci, Audra McDonald, Gugu Mbatha-Raw, Ian McKellen, Emma Thompson
Director: Bill Condon
Oscar History: 2 nominations (Best Production Design, Costume)
Snap Judgment Ranking: 1/5 stars

I'm going to admit I'm a little bit perturbed at Disney right now, so perhaps this isn't the best day to be writing a review of their biggest hit of the year, but I did give them a (very rare) 5-star review yesterday for the first time in seven years, so I suppose tackling Beauty and the Beast in the same weekend makes sense.  This movie, largely borrowing the same motif as their classic 1991 Oscar winner, is one in a succession of live-action adaptations of Disney's favorite animated adventures; after all, we've already seen Cinderella, Alice in Wonderland, The Jungle Book, and Sleeping Beauty brought to the big-screen (with Dumbo, Aladdin, Mulan, and Peter Pan all on their way), so it made sense that arguably their second-wave Disney high-water mark should be brought to life.  Unfortunately, life is what is missing in a dreary, over-produced spectacle that is heavier on getting people to buy merchandise than making an actual movie.

(Spoilers Ahead) The film is a tale as old as time, and so really, you don't need a spoiler alert.  If you've seen the original, there's almost nothing new here, other than the implication that the characters are becoming less human as the enchantment continues, rather than it just changing with the fall of the last pedal.  Otherwise, the only newness is a trio of Alan Menken songs, and of course getting to see the animation brought to life by the magic of visual effects.

That's it-there's nothing particularly fresh to the story, which means it's kind of pointless; if you don't add anything, people can watch the original.  It's hard to knock the film entirely, as it's a good story, but there's no heart here, there's no soul in this movie.  Emma Watson is a fine actress, I'm not one of the people who totally are against her as a performer (I particularly liked The Bling Ring and The Perks of Being a Wallflower), but she is badly miscast here as she doesn't have the voice of Paige O'Hara.  Really, though, other than Audra McDonald (who is such a better vocalist than the rest of the cast it's kind of distracting) no one here is a particularly compelling singer, or at least giving their all (not even McGregor, who as Moulin Rouge! indicated, has the ability to sing well, though that was admittedly 16 years ago so he might not be in the same vocal prowess).  Even though this is a musical, the sound mixing is poor and the singing mediocre, and as a result it frequently feels like we're seeing a cheap knockoff version of the movie, except there's movie stars in literally every corner of the film.

This gaudiness resounds throughout the picture.  I texted my brother during the iconic dance sequence, and said "it seems strange that the worst dress Jacqueline Durran puts on Belle is the yellow ballgown," and I stand behind that.  Durran, one of the best costume designers in motion pictures today, is usually so on-point, but feels saddled here by trying to live within the memory of our childhoods, rather than giving us something unique like Sandy Powell did in Cinderella.  It makes the film feel clunky, like a commercial more than its own product.  Even the wonder of the library scene or the occasional flourishes outside the confines of Disney feel stretched (literally the only non-animated part I liked was Dan Stevens' tiny growl at the end).  Menken's best new number (probably "Evermore") is considerably worse than the least of his original numbers, and no one in the film finds the right tone in their characters.  I tried really hard to see if I was just judging this movie against the original too harshly, as it's one of my favorite films, but even objectively, this movie is dreck, and combined with The Jungle Book is proof that Disney needs to stop trying to force nostalgia down our throats because eventually even the originals are going to feel lukewarm.

Also, before I go insane-did anyone else notice the weird microsecond editing choice of flashing Audra McDonald before the credits of the movie, or was that just my Netflix glitching?  I can find no discussion of this anywhere, so giving my sanity a rest would be greatly appreciated.