Jurassic World (2015)

Film: Jurassic World (2015)
Stars: Chris Pratt, Bryce Dallas Howard, Nick Robinson, Ty Simpkins, Vincent D'Onofrio, Irrfan Khan, Omar Sy, BD Wong, Jake Johnson, Judy Greer
Director: Colin Trevorrow
Oscar History: No nominations
Snap Judgment Ranking: 1/5 stars

I loved the first Jurassic Park movie.  It was a magnificent film, my personal favorite not only of Steven Spielberg's movies, but also of popcorn flicks in general.  Yes, there was some silliness and it might seem inappropriate to say that it's better than, say, Jaws or Schindler's List, but the heart wants what it wants, and this is a superb film with effects that have stood the test of time in ways few other films have ever dreamt of doing.  That, plus game and iconic performances from pretty much everyone involved (it says something that despite the fact that BD Wong hasn't appeared in one of the films in 22 years and is only onscreen in the 1993 film for a handful of moments that we still recognize he's our link to the previous flick) make it classic.  The film knew how to put care and wonder into the film, and create rounded individuals with hopes, dreams, and wonderfully quotable lines ("Clever girl", "Hold onto your butts").

And I have also seen and been okay with the follow-up films.  It's been so many years since I saw The Lost World and Jurassic Park III that I can't really weigh in on either with great authority, but I remember thinking "good, not great" for both of them.  The Lost World felt like a disappointment but still held up effects-wise (I wanted Sam Neill back, not Jeff Goldblum), while the third film I only really remember how snug Alessandro Nivola's pants were (I was a 17-year-old closeted gay teen, this was where my focus typically was).  Neither blasphemed on the original, but didn't really compliment it enough that I felt I had to watch them over and over again like I did the first movie.

(Spoilers Ahead) Which brings us to Jurassic World, a film that does pretty much everything in its power to try and destroy my memories of the original movie.  Set years after the original, the film follows a similar plot to the first  movie, occasionally straying (there's not really a great John Hammond-style character in this movie), but by-and-large we get "bigger, stronger, faster" but at no point, in any capacity, to we get better.  This movie is mindless garbage, the kind that critics feel that they need to rescue by saying "good popcorn flick" and "action-packed" when in reality what they should be saying is "the studios spent way too much money on this for it to fail, so we're going to pretend like it's not as mind-numbingly awful as a Transformers movie."

I don't even know where to begin in terms of the awful, but let's start with where it should have actually improved-the effects.  I don't know how twenty years worth of special effects, with movies like Titanic, Avatar, and Gravity all in its wake, couldn't cause some improvement on the original, but the movie looks plastic, cheap.  The special effects don't interact with the actors well and the CGI that is utilized looks inauthentic compared to the original dinosaurs.  Too much of the film is shot in close-up, so we don't get the feel of the size of the dinosaurs and every scene pretty much falters whenever it's trying to get a wow.  The mososaur, or whatever you call the sea creature, is on-paper way more interesting than the genetically created one, but it also looks fake and waits around way too long to show up in key battles.

The film's screenplay is appallingly bad.  The movie falls into literally every cliche known to man, from the rough-and-tumble Abecrombie model who has a day job as a raptor trainer to the beautiful uptight woman who needs a bunch of near-death experiences and an obnoxious sister to harp on her about her life choices (all due respect, Judy Greer, but your sister arranged for a $30,000 trip for your sons while you get a divorce-let's save the judgment) to two of the most obnoxious children you've ever seen.  Seriously, the only reason that Nick Robinson was hired was because he's hot and can sell Tiger Beat issues, and Ty Simpkins is so annoying and cloying that you kind of wish the raptor would just help us all out here.  Honestly, the entire cast feels like a list of actors who are trying to be worse than the next-we get Vincent D'Onofrio as the world's stupidest villain, Jake Johnson as some random Jeff Goldblum wannabe, and BD Wong as someone far too naive to also be a genius.  No one is giving a good performance in this film, and that's something I never thought I'd say about Chris Pratt and Judy Greer.

The plot is certainly the worst thing about it, principally because of the ridiculous holes permeating it.  Why, for example, does Bryce Dallas Howard head across the island to track the Indominus Rex instead of picking up a phone?  What precisely was it that Bryce Dallas Howard didn't see in Chris Pratt (noble, handsome, built like a Brooklyn firefighter) that she suddenly saw later in the movie since his character never changes?  And why is it that every female character in the film is portrayed as a harpy?  Throw in the two kids conveniently running away from their babysitter (I doubt very much that a corporate-ladder climber like the woman who is babysitting them would abandon her boss's nephews), the fact that the children's parents' divorce plays absolutely no role in the story, and countless other ridiculous notions (the entire "allegiance of the raptors" thing was a frightful mess, not to mention the new "dinosaur language" found between the T-Rex and the raptor), and you get the worst thing to happen to a classic movie since Indiana Jones 4.

Those were my thoughts on this pointless piece of garbage that will inevitably gross a billion dollars, providing us with a near-certain sequel.  What were yours?  Anyone want to defend, well, any of it (if so, do not use the words "mindless but fun" without expecting a massive eye roll)?  And if you need a place to vent, the comments section is there for that as well.