Interpreting Dating Profile Cliches

When you're on a dating website, you generally tend to see certain phrases or interests repeated on a regular basis, and so I thought instead of a GTKY Sunday (though admittedly at least one of these is probably on my dating profile as well), I figured we'd do a little bit of cheeky fun (all meant in fun...though admittedly a lot of them are true) at what these phrases and cliches actually mean.  I'll give you twenty below (let me know more in the comments!):

1. Favorite Books: Harry Potter, Hunger Games, To Kill a Mockingbird

Translation: I haven't read a book for adults since Sirius Black escaped from Azkaban.

2. Just looking for friends right now.

Translation: I will only respond to you if you look like an Abercrombie model.

3. Job: Still figuring things out.

Translation: I am ashamed to say that I am still a sandwich artist at Subway and 28.

4. Television Shows: Breaking Bad, Mad Men, and RuPaul's Drag Race (lol)

Translation: I don't actually watch the first two shows, I just want you to think I'm hella masculine before I admit that I spend most weekends binging past seasons of Drag Race on Netflix (this one's specific to the gay community).

5. I never know how to start these things.

Translation: I want to say that "I'm tired of showing up to weddings alone and why the hell can't I find a spouse," but I am afraid it will come across as desperate.

6. Blank Profile Except for One Photo

Translation: I am never going to meet any person who responds, I just get off to the fact that people are contacting me.

7. I spend Fridays balancing between a quiet evening at home and maybe going out.

Translation: "I hate staying up past eleven and you seriously want me to go out dancing at a club-I'm 34!"

8. I spend most of my time hanging with friends.

Translation: I drink on Tuesdays.

9. I don't take life too seriously.

Translation: When I decide not to call you, I'm going to use "he was boring" as an excuse to my friends even though I have no idea what I want in a relationship.

10. I am still a child at heart.

Translation: This is my excuse for being thirty, spending most weekends at the bar while not having a retirement account and still being on my parents' cell phone plan.

11. I haven't had much luck with this site before, but I'm giving this a second shot.

Translation: I have recently been dumped and it was NOT mutual.

12. I like all music (except rap or opera)

Translation: If it isn't Top 40, I'm not familiar.

13. I work a lot.

Translation: I am going to try to use "focusing on my career" as an excuse for not seeing you anymore when I lose interest, rather than just admitting that I am dumping you for someone younger and hotter.

14. Interests: I am really into travel.

Translation: I saw the interest page and was frightened when I realized the only interests I have are hitting the bars and binge-watching on Netflix.

15. I'm looking for that special someone.

Translation: There's a decent chance I'll text you to go on a second date.

16. Not looking for anything serious.

Translation: Sex, and nothing more.

17. I don't watch television.

Translation: I will condescend you the entire date for random mainstream interests that you have.

18. I spend a lot of time thinking about my future.

Translation: "If I have to show up for one more couples night alone I am signing up for The Bachelor."

19. Favorite Movies-Too Many to List

Translation: I am afraid of what opinions you might form by me listing nothing but chick flicks.

20. All of the photos on the page look like I'm 24, but 32 is listed as the age.

Translation: This person is not actually the person in the picture, or they have gotten fat and/or bald and are afraid of what you might think.  Either way, don't expect the person in the photos to show up at your door.