Riddick (2013)

Film: Riddick (2013)

Stars: Vin Diesel, Jordi Molla, Matt Nable, Katee Sackhoff, Nolan Gerard Funk, Karl Urban

Director: David Twohy

Oscar History: Yeah, right.

Snap Judgment Ranking: 1/5 stars

I had to double check before I wrote this, but I have seen a Vin Diesel movie (I have no recollection of him in Saving Private Ryan, but apparently he was in it), though clearly I haven't seen any since his star has ascended in the aughts.  Diesel is definitely a bankable star, and so when one of my good friends asked me to see this film on a scorching hot Saturday afternoon, I happily obliged-it was time for me to stamp out my ignorance.

Spoilers Ahead For those who have never seen one of the Riddick films, you won't have too much trouble following the movie (the only thing I didn't quite get was Karl Urban's character and why he wore such heavy eye makeup).  The movie starts in a minimalist, desert-fueled planet, with Diesel's Riddick, a deadly man more of grunts and head rolls than of actual words, fighting multiple monsters: gigantic mega-toothed scorpions and zebra hyenas(you watch the movie and call them anything less ridiculous).  Soon he is joined by other characters (part of me was hoping that it would just remain Riddick by himself for the entire movie, a Twilight Zone style film at the end of a long summer movie season), some out just for money (also known as the ones who will die) and others out for the truth (also known as the ones that will live).

The film proceeds in a relatively standard-pattern.  One of the two teams is a group of mercenaries led by a comically villainous Santana (Molla), the other a group of far more sophisticated intergalactic travelers, including Boss Johns (Nable), a man whose son died in a previous Riddick installment, and who thinks that Riddick killed his son (I got the feeling that Riddick really didn't-anyone who has seen the earlier movies, let me know).  Amongst their teams are Glee's Nolan Gerard Funk (sporting some pipes that the Dalton uniform hid far too well) and Battlestar Galactica's Katee Sackhoff.

The movie is rife with aliens, convenient lulls in the attacks of said aliens (somehow whenever we needed dialogue or plot progression they were nowhere to be found), and clunky and frequently expositional dialogue.  Vin Diesel's heavy bass voice somehow can't add gravitas to his wooden dialogue or inner-monologues.  The first thirty minutes kind of works, even though it's a bit dull, because it's something you don't usually see in an action film-one man, with only sparing visual effects as bad guys.

But when we have an actual actor like Sackhoff, it makes Diesel's work look pedestrian and almost student-film level.  Sackhoff's character is kind of a joke (first she's a lesbian, then she makes an exception for Vin Diesel), but her performance isn't.  She lands all her one-liners, adds some character to a generic babe-who-kicks-butt, and clearly is working in a much better film.  The sad thing is that Sackhoff, at only 33, would be the perfect age to start taking on action film heroines if the studios would remember that Sigourney Weaver, Angelina Jolie, Linda Hamilton, and Milla Jovovich all had to start their movie star careers with a little bit of faith that the audience would appreciate a strong female heroine.  Sackhoff being wasted on A&E shows no one has heard of and Big Bang guest spots?  That's the true disaster here.  The movie, it's just bad.

And I think that's about it for me (this review is probably longer than all of Vin Diesel's lines in the film put together already), but what about you?  Did you like this film?  For anyone that's seen one of the other movies, how does this compare (and why didn't I have any Judi Dench?)?  And why won't Hollywood get a clue and give Sackhoff the lead role that she deserves?