Do's and Don'ts of Going to the Theater

I see 10-15 Broadway shows a year, as well as 40-50 movies in theaters a year, and as a result, have come to have a deep love and respect for going to see a show in a public theater.  There's nothing more exciting than the lights going down, and either the cameras starting to roll into the previews or the first lines of dialogue coming from an actor on the stage.  It's an exhilarating experience, and one I never tire of no matter how many times I experience it.

But, as an aficionado of theaters, I can tell you that through the years I have developed an enormous amount of pet peeves while going to the movies and the stage that I wanted to get out into the world.  Some of these are going to be obvious, some less so, and I'd love for people to add to them, but I figured I'd throw this out as a beginning of the week list to educate, inform, and stop incredibly rude behavior.  In no particular order, here are my top ten pet peeves at the movies.

1. Don't Text/Tweet/Talk on Your Phone During a Movie
This is perhaps the most obvious pet peeve we all have, and yet this happens at least once every 3-4 movies I go to, and even more distracting and worse for the performers, every 1-2 plays that I attend.  I remember sitting through Cicely Tyson doing this beautiful speech in The Trip to Bountiful, and hearing that ding dong of cell phone music.  They announce it every single performance that you should turn off your cell phones.  Not turn down low, not turn them on vibrate-turn. them. off.  If you are so important that you cannot turn off your cell phone (I am aware that some jobs have this as a requirement), then don't go to the theater.  Netflix it when it comes out on DVD.  It's that simple.  There is absolutely no excuse for having your cell phone go off in a movie theater, for texting in a movie theater, or for tweeting during a movie.

2. Discussing the Movie During the Movie
This one goes a variety of ways, and we all whisper to the person sitting next to us what we think is going to happen.  But unless you are right up in their ear, people around you can hear you, and it's beyond rude.  It's particularly taxing when you give away parts of the movie when you are watching it.  I have heard "I thought she was supposed to die, she died in the book" "No that part's later on" or something of that ilk several times.  This rule goes doubly in a play, as it's catestrophically rude to distract the actors and also we're paying a lot more for the play.  Not to be rude, but if you have trouble following movies, Netflix them-you can pause, discuss, talk, chat, text, look up the ending on Wikipedia-at your own leisure.

3. Control Your Children During a Movie
This one I am a teensy bit more forgiving of, but only in certain conditions.  I'm aware that if I go see an animated film that there is going to be noise from the audience, especially if it's earlier in the day, and I'm fine with that.  Children should start early with arts appreciation, and movies are one of the best ways to do that.  However, that does not mean that the children should be crying during the movie (take them out-they won't just be quiet in ten seconds and you've been shushing them for ten minutes) or kicking chairs or running in the aisles.  It's distracting, and rude, and once again, I will come back to the fact that Netflix will allow you to do all of this without distracting other paying customers.

4. Don't take children to age inappropriate films
Now we're entering slightly less universally accepted rules, but it needs to be said.  I have seen ten-year-olds at R-rated movies.  I sat behind a two-year-old at a Twilight movie that kicked my chair and cried when the decapitations started.  This is not the child's fault-this is not stuff a child is used to seeing.  But it is wholly irresponsible to make the rest of us uncomfortable by bringing your children to movies they have no business seeing.  The age restrictions are there for a reason, and while some stretching of those rules is fine (the ten-year-old at the PG-13 Twilight movie probably would have been all right), taking it to these extremes is ridiculous and bad parenting if you can't tell your chidren are uncomfortable.

5. Don't Ask Someone to Move Because You Came Late and They Are Alone
Okay, this is probably the one on the list that's the least obvious, and for the record, this applies to restaurants, airplanes, seats on the subway, and basically any situation where you would ask someone to get up so that you can sit with someone else. For the record, this is okay when you are handicapped and someone has taken one of the handicapped seats.  What I'm talking about here is when you get to the theater late, and the theater is largely packed, and you see someone who is by themselves and ask them if they would move so you and your group of friends can sit together.  As a regular theater-going patron, I will admit that I have a spot I always sit in (second row, three seats in, the section where there's no seats in front of you), and I sat there on-purpose.  You want to sit together?  Get there earlier.

6. Don't Sit in the Middle of the Aisles If You Know You're Going to Get Up to Go to the Bathroom
Listen, we all know that movies stretch forever (we all saw Lincoln). Throw in a dozen or so trailers, a bunch of commercials, and the pre-show trivia, a 54 ounce Dr. Pepper and a bathroom break is completely understandable.  However, we've all been to the movies before and we know whether or not are bladders are up for an epic.  If you are that person, sit on the ends and don't make everyone's experience get interrupted.

7. Don't be the Jerk Who Doesn't Stand During the Ovation
This is play-specific, but come on.  Even if you didn't enjoy the play, you're the one who looks awful if you are able to stand you don't.  If it's a 50/50 crowd, make our decision, but if it's all but you, get up and grin-and-bear-it.

8. Don't Bring Food Into a Play
Okay, this is play specific as well, as I'm all for movie theater concessions.  However, if you're about to see Audra McDonald or Mark Rylance perform magic, eat before or after (actually, if you're in NYC, eating after a play is part of a proud tradition).  Don't unwrap candy during a live performance-focus entirely on the magic at hand.

9. Don't Put Your Feet Up on the Seat Next to Where Someone is Sitting
This is such common sense, and yet I cannot tell you how often it happens.  No one needs your smelly, dirty Reeboks in their peripheral vision while they are enjoying Meryl Streep or Brad Pitt.  If no one is within the general vicinity, go for it (after all, it's way more comfortable), but avoid it if there are people's heads nearby.

10. Wait Until You Leave the Theater Before You Start Proclaiming Major Plot Points
If you know how The Dark Knight Rises or The Hobbit or basically any movie ends, don't loudly discuss that great twist immediately after getting out, ruining the experience for the people who are lined up for the next show.  Wait until you've gotten to the car or to the subway before talking about the major twists that were just revealed to you.

Those are mine, but I'm sure there are more-what are your theater/movie pet peeves?