Ranting On...the Three Sentences New Parents Should Never Say to Their Childless Friends

For the second time in a month, I was listening to Dave Ryan in the morning (again, I don't control the radio station, though considering how often he seems to make me want to write an article lately maybe I should elect to do so voluntarily in the future), and a topic came on that I felt passionately about, and it's not related to politics or film or television or Darren Criss, but I still thought I would write about it.

Before I start, I just want to put a couple of caveats in for people that I might offend.  I am a huge supporter of parents, and at some point might like to join your ranks, and had two excellent ones that raised me, and have friends that are also excellent parents who don't say the below sentences.  This is not meant to attack anyone and is certainly not directed at anyone in particular, per say, just to share a little bit of knowledge.

With that said, as a single person, who is not married and will likely be at the tail end of his friend group on both the marriage and kids scale (if ever on both accounts), there are certain sentences you begin to hear more frequently as you near thirty and your friends and members of your age group begin to have children.  Many of them are fun and exciting-if I have known and loved you since high school or college or the early days of our respective careers, I want to talk about this huge step you're taking in your life.  Just keep in mind, the three below sentences are not ones that you should be uttering, and all of them have come to me at some point, the third one with consistency.

1. "I just can't remember what it was like before I had kids."
Listen, I get that the child has consumed your entire life over the past few months, and if this is being said in a "I haven't slept in 24 hours and I need to sleep, shower, or get a massage," I understand.  If you've had the kids for seventeen years and are prepping for empty nest syndrome, I'll also buy it.  But if you had the child two months ago and are saying this in a way to point out that your life has changed so completely that anything that happened before it didn't matter, that's a bit insulting, and probably isn't something that you should be saying to someone you've known for over a decade.  This brings us to...

2. "You just can't understand unless you're a parent"
Again, I get it.  You might even feel this way.  On occasion, it's probably even true.  But there's really no way to say this sentence without totally coming off as a jerk to the person that you're directing it toward.  Inevitably, this sentence was preceded by a suggestion you disagreed with, the person was likely trying to be helpful, and instead of saying a polite, "thanks, but I'm not sure that would work in this situation," you decided to make them feel like crap.  The person may be trying to get pregnant, may not have had much luck in the romantic department, may be in the process of a lengthy adoption that you don't know about, may be struggling to raise the money for a surrogate, or a thousand other things that you didn't consider, but even if they don't want children, you just totally cut them down and made them feel terrible about themselves for no real reason.  Unlike sentence number one, I can think of no context to direct this to a childless person without trying to be cruel.

3. "I don't have time to do/learn/be knowledgeable about fill in the blank, I have a child."
Once again, I'll provide a bit of context, because there are appropriate times to use a version of this sentence.  If a single friend texts if you want to go to the movies in two hours, they should be aware that your life has changed and that you can't get a sitter immediately, but even then a quick "sounds fun, but I can't get a sitter" is super okay and totally understandable.  Instead, what I'm referring to in this sentence is when I bring up a recent movie I watched or ask what your thoughts are on the gun control debate or talk about a vacation I'm planning, and you throw back this comment as a rebuttal to my piece of news or discussion.  Basically think of how Tatum O'Neal's character treated Carrie in that Sex and the City episode "A Woman's Right to Shoes" (and yes, it's a TV show, but this one happens all. the. time. if you're single and in your late twenties).  I do understand that having children takes up the bulk, if not occasionally all of your time, but you don't need to demean my life choices in the process.  A simple "oh, that sounds fun," or "that's interesting," or "it's tough getting out with the little one, but I'll have to rent it" is a perfectly lovely way to respond in that sentence, without, again, making the person feel like crap.

I'm sure there are others (and I'm positive that there are sentences that childless people say to parents that I'd love to hear) so I'm going to open that up in the comments.  After all, the more you know!