Ranking the Judges on Guy's Grocery Games

A few months ago, I released a ranking of the Chopped judges because I love Food Network, and because for the amount of time I spend watching it, I should probably talk about it more on a personal blog (it is basically the closest thing I have to a roommate).  So we're going to do a followup today where we discuss a different flagship show on Food Network: Guy's Grocery Games.

For those that are unfamiliar, Guy's Grocery Games is kind of the crazy younger brother of Chopped.  It puts chefs against each other, oftentimes with some sort of twist.  Hosted by Guy Fieri, the show takes place in Flavortown Market, a fictional (but oh how I wish it was real) grocery store where Fieri will do things like ban certain aisles or limit a chef's budget to get them to think creatively about contests like "make your favorite Winner Winner Chicken Dinner."  Unlike Chopped, where host Ted Allen is almost comically neutral about the contestants, Fieri makes the show largely a reflection of his big, boisterous personality.  This makes the show more of an acquired taste, but I generally like Fieri.  I know that his theme restaurants are the bane of the Manhattan culinary scene, but he makes a point in his show of highlighting women, people of color, and queer contestants in a way that even Chopped struggles to achieve.  The show is a little bit vain, but honestly-he's built an empire, he's kind of earned it.

Before I get to the rankings here, I want to put a caveat.  Almost all of the Chopped judges have appeared on Guy's, and in the cases of people like Marc Murphy, Tiffani Faison, & Maneet Chauhan are basically series regulars at this point.  But since we already ranked these people in the Chopped rankings, we're going to skip them here.  Additionally, while Chopped does occasionally have its judges compete, it's nowhere near as often as Guy's Grocery Games, where it feels like every five episodes or so he has some of the judges play along.  As a result, these rankings have as much to do with what these judges are like as contestants as they are to do with their actual judging abilities.  Finally, Guy has more rotation in his judges (and has been more open about letting competitors graduate to judges than Chopped), so if one of your favorites are missing here, call me out in the comments as listing over a dozen names felt excessive but incomplete.

Honorable Mention: Guy's son Hunter Fieri has taken to cohosting or serving as a judge in the past couple years, and while the 25-year-old isn't exactly judge, it feels weird to skip him as a discussion topic since he's in virtually every new episode the past couple of seasons.  While it's easy to dismiss Hunter as a legacy (his dad's name is literally in the title of the show), he adds a really awkward charm to the series that I kind of like, and also helps keep Guy somewhat in check (occasionally he can be a lot with the pranks & puns).  Also, and my friend Drew would chastise me if I didn't point this out because I talk about Hunter a lot with him...I think Hunter is REALLY cute.  Definitely a go-to celebrity crush answer.  I cannot quite explain this as he does not noticeably stand out as the hottie of the Food Network, but he's my Swipe Right of anyone on the channel.

12. Aaron May

Unlike Chopped, I had to think much longer about the rankings here as generally the judges here I like in similar patterns.  But my first and last places are cemented.  Of all of the judges on Guy's I wish would take a hiatus, Aaron May is #1.  May's judging critiques are rarely helpful, almost always underlining something that another judge has already said, and as a result he rarely adds something to the conversation.  But he's at his worst when he's competing.  While I admire anyone trying to win (that's the whole point), he actively pouts whenever he loses, to the point where I feel like a recent victory when they did "at home" meals he gained points largely because he was so angry about losing the first round.  He gives off the energy of someone who takes their ball home when he is losing the game.

11. Catherine McCord & Melissa D'Arabian

I'm tying these two, mostly because after all of these years of watching I can't quite tell them apart.  Both of them are attractive blondes, both of them are relatively immune to Guy's games & mostly just their to take care of business.  They have different background (D'Arabian is a longtime chef, McCord started as a runway model and then moved into writing cookbooks), but I think the primary reason they don't both show up in the same episodes (the only proof I have of them having even met is this photo) is because even Guy thinks they are roughly the same person.

10. Brian Malarkey

Brian is frustrating to me as a contestant for a variety of factors.  For starters, while he's very talented offscreen (he's one of the more successful figures on the show in terms of his restaurants), he has not grown enough through the seasons for me to be a huge fan of his work.  He always buys too much and as a result his dishes look scattered & like they are giant kitchen sink presentations (the only way Malarkey is ever going to win is in a Budget Battle).  He also loses all the time, and while there are other people like Jet Tila who lose frequently but you love them because they have such a specific approach to their judging, his judging isn't all that interesting either.  He also is one of the few judges who tries to match Guy in terms of his energy, and it feels excessive, particularly since it'll drown out some of the calmer panelists.

9. Beau MacMillan

A repetitive criticism you're going to see in these write-ups is whether or not someone is a good fit for Guy.  There needs to be a balance (no one should ever upstage Fieri, which is very different than Chopped where the host plays such a minor role), and Beau is not great primarily because he doesn't make a huge impression, but still has a bro-y nature.  As a result, he serves as neither a particularly intriguing counter to Guy (someone who is the "adult" in the room) nor is he helping a lot with the jokes by being super goofy or funny.  He's a panelist who doesn't make an impact.

8. Aarti Sequeira

Aarti is a former Food Network Star (Fieri won an early season of the show and has made a point of hiring different people from this series through the years to be judges).  She has solid culinary taste, and is one of the few judges on the panels that would make sense on Chopped (for the record, while Chopped judges show up here all the time, it's rare that the reverse happens).  As a result, it's really easy to cheer for her as a competitor, because you know the "Spice Queen" is going to give you a solid dish even if she doesn't win.  But as a judge, she's just all right.  She frequently struggles with the repartee & the cheesiness of Guy's show, and her criticisms of dishes feels repetitive.

7. Damaris Phillips

Obviously when you watch this show over the course of years and not just occasionally in the background, certain judges irritate you, and certain ones grow on you.  Phillips is the latter for me.  I initially wasn't a fan of Phillips; it's not a good idea to try to out-quirk Guy, and generally those that attempt to do so fall on their faces.  But Phillips grows on you.  She's a southern woman who does a lot of vegetarian cooking, which is a fun juxtaposition you don't see very often on the Food Network, and she's genuinely funny in the way that she can perplex Guy.  I honestly think she's more fun on Beat Bobby Flay (she and Bobby have awesome chemistry) and her competition skills aren't quite up-to-snuff with some of the top contenders on this list, but I always smile when she's on the panel because I know it'll be a good time.

6. Richard Blais

Richard Blais is easy to confuse with Brian Malarkey, because their approaches are all over the place.  But I love Blais in a way I never could Malarkey because his dishes & approach require so much focus. Blais is kind of the stud of the panel (of the male judges, he is undoubtedly the best-looking), and it shows in his cooking as he'll not be afraid to try new techniques, but he also brings a sophistication to his work that feels impossible given the time constraints of what he's working on.  His judging is occasionally drowned out because he doesn't quite know how to punch it up (especially if it's a louder panel), but he's always someone I'm rooting to show up as a contestant.

5. Troy Johnson

Troy is great, and the panelist I always want to see regardless of the combo since he works well with everyone.  Johnson, unlike every other person on this list, is not a culinary professional, but instead a food critic, which is something you rarely see on the Food Network, where "Chef" is an honorific thrown around so often you think it's part of a drinking game the network executives play each night.  So while he's a lousy contestant as a result (the rest of these contenders can cook circles around him), it makes his critiques really interesting.  Troy is the judge most likely to strike out on his own, and also the one whom you feel like you're getting a genuinely honest depiction of what's happening (unlike Chopped, there's a lot more positivity here, even when someone royally screwed up a dish).  He's also got the best chemistry with Fieri himself, who makes Johnson the butt of multiple jokes in every episode, and takes it the most in stride.

4. Justin Warner

"The wild card" Justin Warner is an unusual judge.  Unlike most of the judges on this list, he's not formally-trained, but that means that he frequently will mix flavors or techniques that a classically-trained chef might not employ.  Warner's fun to watch-he's quirky, his approach is bold, and he's very hard to predict.  This occasionally makes him a bit annoying to root for as a contender, as he'll oftentimes employ techniques that feel like they'll inevitably fail (I remember once he used bagged fries, which is about as big of a no-no as you can get on Guy's), and as a home chef who likes to learn, he'll frequently do things I can't recreate at home (he goes to the liquid nitrogen way too much), but I am a fan.  Also, he was so much fun when he got to mentor one of the young chefs who idolized him.

3. Jet Tila

The top three are much higher than the rest.  I generally like Chopped better than Guy's because I like the structure of it, but the Top 3 can compete with any Chopped judge in terms of adoration.  Jet is an excellent, amiable competitor.  He is great on all of the Food Network shows (he was also fun on BBQ Brawl and Beat Bobby Flay) and brings an approach to cuisine that doesn't feel too daunting.  It's clear Food Network agrees with me because lately they've been using him for everything (he seems to be a guest judge pretty much every other show), but it doesn't feel overwhelming.  The one thing that I will say is that he's very tough to root for because he has a Washington Generals-style win record on Guy's, but his approach is always strong.

2. Michael Voltaggio

Another regular on Beat Bobby Flay, Michael Voltaggio isn't as regular of a competitor on Guy's, and I almost didn't include him (in many ways, he mirrors someone like Brooke Williamson who is a Guy's judge occasionally but doesn't appear regularly enough for me to list her here, though if she was she'd be in the Top 3 as she's an amazing chef).  But Voltaggio is on Guy's enough that I figured I'd make an exception, and also because he's a superb competitor.  Creative, frequently able to make really amazing dishes with the most unusual ingredients (Voltaggio, more than anyone, is unfazed by a whammy ingredient when Guy throws one at him).  He's also really cool...on a network that isn't particularly hip, Voltaggio brings a swagger that is undeniable.

1. Antonia Lofaso

The Warrior Princess (I frequently wonder if Guy asks permission before bestowing a nickname on one of his judges) tops this list for a variety of reasons.  First, her judging is insightful-she respects the game play (I hate when someone cheats & doesn't actually do the challenge), but her French culinary cuisine training comes out in the way she knows how to handle even the most ostentatious of dishes.  Second, she's a genuinely great competitor.  Of the people I regularly cheer for, she wins the most of the bunch, and it's rare that she botches a dish.  And lastly, she's a joy to watch.  She's funny, charming, knowledgeable, and plays off Guy really well.  She's gotten two hosting gigs in the last year (doing Beachside Brawl and The Julia Child Challenge), and I'm so glad as she's more than earned them.