Cats (2019)

Film: Cats (2019)
Stars: James Corden, Judi Dench, Jason Derulo, Idris Elba, Jennifer Hudson, Ian McKellen, Taylor Swift, Rebel Wilson, Francesa Hayward
Director: Tom Hooper
Oscar History: No nominations
Snap Judgment Ranking: 2/5 stars

The first Broadway play I saw was Promises, Promises starring Kristin Chenoweth and Sean Hayes.  It was a magical experience, one that set off a love affair with Broadway that continues to this day (every time I go to New York, I see 4-5 shows on the stage).  But a decade before that, I got my proper introduction to high-caliber productions when I was in London, and saw Cats in the West End (I still have my Playbill, and can see it from where I'm typing this).  I loved it-Cats would not go on to be one of my favorite plays, though thanks to buying a CD of the soundtrack I know every word of it (Phantom would be the musical that would dominate my young, closeted high school years), but it has a special place in my heart as a result of its introduction for me to the world of theater.  I have no problem with its nonsensical plot and occasionally bizarre musical numbers, and was one of the few people when the trailer arrived who wasn't prone to mockery (though I did think the digital fur was a step in the wrong direction).  As a result, I was going to see this movie no matter how bad the reviews were, as I wanted to relive the magic, if that was still possible, of the first time I saw this production.

(Spoilers Ahead) The plot of Cats is at once very easy to explain and rather confusing if you start asking questions.  Essentially, a group of cats get together each year and audition for Old Deuteronomy (Dench), an aging and wise cat, for a chance to, well, die, and be reborn as a new feline.  This year we have a variety of candidates, ranging from Gus the Theatre Cat (McKellen) to Jennyanydots (Wilson) to Bustopher Jones (Corden), but the clear frontrunner for the audience is the cat-in-the-shadows Grizabella (Hudson), who is seen as a former glamour cat by all except the new cat Victoria (Hayward), who sees her potential.  However, the wicked Macavity (Elba), threatens to upend the whole operation as he slowly kidnaps all of the cats who are competing so that Old Deuteronomy will be forced to pick him as the cat that gets a new life.  In the end, Macavity is punished for his wickedness, and Grizabella is sent off to start a new adventure in the next world, while Victoria joins the rest of the "Jellicle" cats in the streets, finally finding a family.

Here's where I am going to start the contrarian reviews-I didn't hate Cats, in the same way that I didn't hate the stage play.  I know it's been long fashionable to hate the latter, something that's going to quickly become true of the former, but I don't get the vitriol.  This is weird-something like Ford vs. Ferrari is a story that's particularly dreadful.  There are fun musical numbers in this film.  Obviously there's the "Memory" showstopper from Hudson, who is generally a questionable choice as an actor but can pull off great character work through song, and does so here.  But we also have a great tap number in "Skimbleshanks" and the infectious opening "Jellicle Songs for Jellicle Cats," and I even liked what Jason Derulo did with "Rum Tum Tugger."  Cats is a musical that's more for dancing than it is for singing, something alien to our "park and bark" modern-era of cinematic musicals.

That said, there are definitley problems with the film.  Putting aside the bizarre sexualization of the cats, the CGI is clunky.  While there are moments (like Taylor Swift's descent during "Macavity") where the cats look pretty much perfectly in sync with the fur and their bodies, other times Jason Derulo & Francesca Hayward genuinely look like floating heads on the screen.  Any time we aren't singing we have a problem, as Wilson & Corden doing their schtick (which genuinely would work on me-I don't dislike them like Twitter seems to do) feels a bit too reliant on cat-to-human jokes and less on genuine humor.  The sound mixing is downright dreadful on a few numbers-when your orchestra is drowning out Jennifer freaking Hudson, there's a problem in the control room.  Worst of all is the direction-Hooper doesn't know how to adapt this to the real world in the way he's supposed to (this was a problem to a lesser degree with Les Miserables), and frequently it feels like a filmed play in the worst possible way.  The "Ad-Dressing of the Cats" is awful and he deserves to be on film probation for making Dame Judi Dench endure such a travesty, with her breaking the fourth wall and singing that clunky number with every audience member wondering if the film was about to end thanks to the poor pacing.

So I'm going with 2-stars.  I considered three because honestly there were moments I felt found the weird wonder of the "now and forever" Cats and I feel like the internet is being collectively unfair to the film by comparing it to a travesty like Battlefield Earth.  It's become clear that at this point every actor in this movie needs to get their agents on the phone fast and book a crowdpleaser, as this isn't just a "derided" movie, it's the kind that takes on John Travolta's career and throws it in the garbage.  But it's also not a good movie-the failings are there, even if it's not "the worst film ever made."  So should you see it?  I think it is the sort of film that should probably be seen to be believed, but if you know the stage show by heart you'll be entertained, though not surprised.