How I Learned to Embrace Being Unique

I am not, and will likely never be, cool.  When I was in high school, I think this was something that I desperately craved, but couldn't really find the right recipe to accomplish.  I was cute, but not beautiful in the way you're expected to be by your peers (my haircut wasn't stylish, my clothes weren't designer), I was not good at ANY athletics, I was smart but in a mildly off-putting way, and I was not into anything particularly popular.  I wasn't the sort of Avril Lavigne-style (good lord, I'm old), rocker kid who was rebelling against others, but instead was just kind of nerdy, sweet-but-a-loner, and just hoping-and-praying that I'd get through the day without being bullied or even really being visible.  I look back on this with a jovial nature now, thinking how ridiculous the entire experience was and how it was an ancient memory, but I would be lying if I pretended that it didn't hurt a lot at the time that I didn't fit in, and that it wasn't a gut punch when I couldn't relate to my peers.

I do, however, remember the moment in my life when I saw a light at the end of that tunnel.  I was on a class trip to France & England when I was 17, and I was with two girls from my high school, as well as about 15 students from neighboring high schools of varying ages.  I had just finished my sophomore year, and unlike some urban environments, neighboring high school kids were not necessarily ones that I knew because they lived 50-70 miles away.  As a result, this was a chance for me to be meeting people who hadn't known me since I was six, and knew little about me except for what I put forth in those circumstances.  During this time, in terms of high school hierarchy, I was certainly the bottom of the food chain of the people I was with, as the two other girls on the trip were the "popular" girls, but of course the people there didn't know that they were "above my station," and slowly as the trip continued, I became fast friends with everyone from neighboring schools.  Whereas my love of movies and books and mild aloofness was off-putting in my small rural town, against the backdrop of Paris and London, where I could appreciate things that the two popular girls couldn't because, well, I'd read Shakespeare and knew what the Venus de Milo was, I was considered unique and a fun travel companion.  The penultimate night of the experience, I had just gotten all of my food, and while the two girls from my high school, who at this point were having a miserable time and were sulking because no one was paying attention to them, were sitting alone, I got invited to four different tables by people on the trip.  It was one of the first moments of my life that I got to feel special, and not just be told that by my mother, and it taught me a valuable lesson-that as you age, certain things become more valuable than just arbitrary popularity.

You may be wondering "John, where is this going?" and I'm about to tell you.  While money, looks, and position never really go away as calling cards (they are always assets, sometimes to an unusually harsh degree), personality and intelligence do become a lot more attractive as you get older, particularly when it comes to dating.  I occasionally rag on myself when it comes to dating, and admittedly there are things that I wish I could change about myself, but there is something that I do bring to dates that even by guys who don't like me will admit they found attractive-I have interests, and I'm not boring.

Everyone has interests, but I will say that most people don't really actually do anything with them.  In the same way that "everyone likes music" and "everyone likes hanging with friends," it doesn't make you unique or out-of-the-ordinary if you do something literally everyone else does.  I used to think of having hobbies or interests, truly ones that set you apart from other people, was a given, something that everyone has, but it's not true.  In the same way that everyone can have abs, but not everyone does have abs, the same is said for passions.  You have to work for them, you have to nurture them-they can't just happen, you have to actually take the time investment to make them an important part of your identity.  And you can't really fake it-you can say you like movies, but then it's revealed that you have only seen two in the last year.  You can say you like television, but you only have watched the most basic shows on Netflix, HGTV, and Bravo.

This is probably the best advice I can give someone who is going on a lot of dates, but doesn't know why they aren't being successful (that, and never bring up money, complain about anything, or self-depricate on your first couple of dates as they don't know you well enough to be able to tell if you're kidding & they're just going to assume you're always like that).  I've been on a lot of first dates, and I generally know the moment I've won the second date, and it's not at the car-it's before the food has gotten there and I've mentioned something interesting about myself, and they're genuinely impressed; when they do this to me is also when I know I want a second date with this person.  This is a double-edged sword, on occasion, as sometimes people get self-conscious when they realize they don't have a "thing," in the same way those girls in high school realize that they don't have a "thing," but people respect passion for a hobby, they are attracted to a passion for a hobby.  People who invest time in themselves, not just at the gym or in the kitchen, but also in the library or the theater or the museum, and find something that they love and distinguishes them, usually are more interesting, better conversationalists, and are more fun to be around.  If you're finding yourself on a lot of first dates and aren't sure why you aren't getting second ones, it may be because you aren't setting yourself apart.  Find the thing that is most unique about yourself, and talk about what you do to nurture that in your personal lives.  Don't play the high school game of hiding your refurbishing of classic cars or lifelong love of comic books or your secret crafting YouTube channel hide under a bushel, because it may be what eventually lands you that special someone, and it will surely make you a richer, fuller person.