Film: Everything You Always Wanted to Know About Sex (But Were Afraid to Ask) (1972)
Stars: Woody Allen, John Carradine, Lynn Redgrave, Burt Reynolds, Tony Randell, Gene Wilder, Louise Lasser, Lou Jacobi
Director: Woody Allen
Oscar History: No nominations
Snap Judgment Ranking: 4/5 stars
There is something completely cinematic about the work of Woody Allen. I realized this as I watched the bunny-laden opening credits of one of his more abstract and out-there movies, Everything You Always... the other day when I was trying to make it through my FilmStruck queue. Perhaps it's because I've grown up with his movies, or that Woody's films are an annual sojourn (he's one of the only filmmakers I will go to the cinema no matter what the reviews, plot, or actors are-I always catch his movies in theaters), but the way he structures them, never letting sequels or mandatory happy endings get in the way of his pictures. Woody's movies, quite frankly, never really end-they just seem to start a new chapter as the closing credits start. So it was bizarrely appropriate to see one of the great writers of the movies tackle what is essentially a series of short stories (about sex, naturally), in something I wouldn't have expected from Allen, but of course is a picture only he could have created.
(Spoilers Ahead) The movie unfolds in seven unconnected chapters, all with questions about sex that "you were too afraid to ask." As a result of this and its relatively brisk running time (88 minutes), the movie never stays with a particular sketch for very long, and it moves along rather quickly even in the vignettes that aren't quite as funny.
Like most such movies, there is a pacing and structural problem in that some of these stories are better than others, and as sexual mores have dramatically shifted since the 1970's, there are scenes that are a bit cringeworthy, or it's hard to tell whether say, the laissez faire attitude about a sexual act is actual ambiguity due to the time period or whether Allen is trying to strike a nerve with the audience. The best example of this is a What's My Line-inspired panel where television personalities like Regis Philbin and Pamela Mason casually guess a man's sexual perversions, casually throwing out terms like "rapist" as if they're guessing he's a librarian. I suspect that even in the 1970's this was meant to imply shock value, but it's a bit dated in hindsight, and was probably a lot edgier and more significant at the time that I'm able to give it credit for being.
Still, though, the movie's best vignettes are able to move passed this dated nature and are just flat-out hilarious. Allen's fame for getting the perfect cast balance is on full-display in the final two sketches, by-far my favorites of the bunch. The penultimate sequence is a Frankenstein-meets-The Blob parody, but instead of a traditional monster, we get a gigantic breast terrorizing the city. Allen casts John Carradine as a mad scientist, glibly playing with Carradine's famed on-screen persona by having his character perform insane (and truly unnecessary) experiments on sexuality, then allowing the giant breast he creates roam the countryside. It sounds weird, and it is, but it works marvelously. The final sequence achieves a similar sort of perfect absurdity, with Burt Reynolds and Tony Randall playing mission control directors in a man's penis, trying to guide a guy to ejaculation while on a date; Woody Allen plays an apprehensive sperm in this scene, frequently wondering if it's worth sacrificing himself in hopes of fertilizing an egg. It's classic Allen-style comedy, and a riot.
All-in-all, the movie worked for me. There are sequences that aren't quite as good as others, and as you might suspect some of the feminist angles of a 40-year-old movie about sex aren't always as sharp as they should be, but part of me wishes that Allen had taken this sort of approach more often to his pictures, telling quick tales with an overriding theme. If you've seen the picture (or read the book), please weigh in with your thoughts or what your favorite scenes are below!
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