What I Wish I Could Write on My Dating Profile

People start these sorts of things saying that they don't know how to start them, but, really, we do in the sense that we know what we want out of a dating profile.  Like a job interview or a grad school application, we want to win, we want to be accepted, we want to get the person that we're pursuing on the other end of their phone or computer screen to say yes to the date, say yes to the relationship, say yes to the life together with the blender on the registry and the travel aspirations and the dog we both love but complain about letting out at night to go to the bathroom.

I'm not someone that is flighty-in fact, by-and-large I make decisions rather quickly.  I know when I like something and when I don't, I am quite confident in what I want to do and how I want to do it.  This isn't to be confused with me being someone comfortable taking risks, because that would be a bald-faced lie.  I'm awful at taking risks-unless someone forces me to do so, I take the path I'm most assured success in every time, but confidence is there.  I know what I like, I know what I want.

So I can tell pretty quickly upon viewing your profile if I want a date.  You might ruin it by being an asshole in our emails to each other, but I'm usually a decent judge of character in that regard.  I can tell about ten minutes into a date if there's going to be another one, and I can tell by the third date whether or not I'm going to be hoping you're my boyfriend.  I haven't gotten to the point where I know if I want you to be my husband because it's never really gotten that far, but I suspect right around month two that thought will have crossed my mind.  I'm not a crazy relationship person, but I make decisions quickly and assuredly, and I rarely go back on them.  That's the sort of person I am, deeply planful and specific and modulated.  I hate surprises and I like routine.  I'm not boring, I've never been accused of being boring, but I am practiced and will reach toward certainty whenever it's possible.  If this is something you can't understand, just ask.  I'm pretty open about how my mind works.

I have dreamt of meeting you my whole life.  Well, not you in the sense of every person who might read this, but the you who would make me delete this forever, the you who would take me on my very last first date.  You're the reason I came out of the closet.  I grew up in a loving household, and while I've never been good at having or keeping friends, by-and-large I didn't need society's acceptance as a gay person to define myself publicly.  I did it because I wanted someone to share my life with, who would be the person I come home to every night and who would appreciate my world and would let me appreciate his.  What you've looked like or acted like has changed in my mind through the years as my tastes have shifted, but you, that glowing person that I imagined you to be, has never evaporated from my view.

A few things about me, I suppose.  I'm probably smarter than you-let's just get that out of the way.  It's not a guarantee, but it's a statistical probability.  Just get over it.  Just like one of us has to be taller and one of us has to be richer and one of us has to be stronger, one of us has to be smarter, and I've found in most cases in my life that I tend to be smarter than the people I date.  It shouldn't be an issue, so don't make it one-I promise never to make it a big deal, and I only bring it up because it seems to intimidate guys in a way that I never really anticipated it would when I first started dating.

I'm not thin.  I'm probably not what you'd picture in your mind's eye as fat, but I'm definitely not thin.  I don't like this about myself, and am working to fix it, but I sincerely doubt I'll ever look like an Instagram model (perhaps in part because I'm also short) or that weight won't be a consistent struggle in my life.  If you need a guy who looks like an Instagram model, we're probably not a good match.  I'm not saying looks can't be a part of things (I'm really cute, if that helps, and cuter still if you latch onto my personality at all), but I'm never going to be Charlie Hunnam.  And if you're looking for him and still in your thirties, perhaps you might need to look in the mirror and gage your expectations a bit.

I don't really have a lot of dealbreakers in the conventional sense.  If you're racist, homophobic, sexist, xenophobic, transphobic, or voted for Donald Trump, I can't get past that so thank you for your time.  Same if you don't believe in vaccines or climate change.  Religion isn't a dealbreaker regardless of where you head with it, but for the record I am Catholic and am aware that's slightly odd for a gay man who grew up Lutheran, but I never talk about it with anyone unless asked so it shouldn't be a deterrent for either of us-I just might wake up slightly earlier than you on a Sunday or be unavailable on a Saturday afternoon now and again.  Physically, I tend to like taller guys, redheads or blonds, and guys with nice arms.  My last boyfriend had none of these things, so these are preferences, not dealbreakers.  Please don't talk during movies or drink to excess on a regular basis and I think I'm good on the "normal" dealbreakers list.

I am not cynical.  I tend to love things unabashedly and with great relish.  Film, for example, is my passion above passions.  I can and will (if you let me) talk about movies and actors and awards shows for hours and days.  I can do the same with theater or writing or politics or tennis or travel or food or the TV show Lost or pretty much any topic.  I'm political but again, not cynical about it-I don't think all politicians are craven and I have several heroes that are politicians.  I don't need you to share in these passions, though that's a plus.  I hope to learn about your passions though, and I tend to find guys who have hobbies (as basic or strange as they may be), far more attractive.

I won't sleep with you on the first date.  Or, let's be honest, the second.  If that's what you're after here, then please move along.  I will point out, though, if you're claiming you're looking for a relationship and you rule out someone who won't sleep with you on the first few dates, you're not really looking for a relationship, or you have no concept of what that word means-life is very long, a few weeks isn't going to kill you on that front.  I also won't cheat on your husband or boyfriend with you no matter how open your marriage/relationship may be-it's just not my jam, sorry.  I'm also not looking for an open relationship, but again-good luck.

I love my family, and they are important to me.  I know that gay men have complicated relationships with their parents, frequently putting an asterisk on if they love their mom or dad or siblings-I don't have that.  I love them, full stop.  Introducing you to them would be a big deal, and quite honestly is a moment that I have been looking forward to since I came out of the closet.  I don't care what your relationship is like with your parents, but if you hate them, probably best to skip that on the first date. There's no bigger turnoff than a guy calling his mother a heinous word on a first date.  In fact, let's skip all complaining about family, friends, coworker, or money for a couple of dates in-it's a massive turnoff.

I won't automatically fix all of your problems.  I think sometimes I get caught up in a Manic Pixie Dream Guy scenario because I'm inherently caring and genuinely interested in learning about you, but relationships are two way streets.  If you've gone the entire first date and just spoken about yourself, the date was probably a dud for me.  This also works in reverse-if I had to speak the entire time, I probably had a pretty poor time.  Good rule of thumb-at the end of the first date, we should both be able to name at least three new things about each other.  If you're nervous, just say that-I'll pick on you a little bit to make you more comfortable and we'll be on our merry way.  If you're having a terrible time, figure out why and at least show me some respect by not saying "we should do this again sometime."  But don't expect me to fix you by myself, or to only focus on your needs exclusively.  That's a therapist, not a boyfriend.

It's 2017, so if we talk for a month and you still "want to get to know me before we date" you may need to rethink what you're expecting from this.  Same if you want to meet after five minutes.  If you ask me to meet you for dinner that night, I'll say no-making plans in the future proves you aren't just looking for a quick thing.  Same with proposing first dates that happen at your apartment/house.  If you're broke, bring up a free museum or a walk in a park.

I love cats and dogs, though not entirely equally (I like dogs better).  I don't understand people who hate one of them though, unless you have a deathly allergy to them.  They're animals that make you less lonely and love you unconditionally-who could hate that?  In a perfect world, I'd want us to have both.

I would love to get married.  If you're against the concept of marriage completely, our personality types are not the same.  I'm not asking for a big, fancy wedding (I'm up for that if you need it), but really I just want the piece of paper, the ring, and the life together.  I don't really believe in divorce, unless one of us does something unforgivable-I grew up with parents who loved each other despite occasionally fighting, and I'm not going to pretend that life is going to be easy every day.  But I want a marriage.

I also want kids.  I used to say this was negotiable, and quite frankly it still is, but if I'm being perfectly honest, I really, really want to be a dad.  I don't care if they're biologically ours (or biologically mine), but I do want kids.  I'm getting older and I know this is going to be harder, and I'm going to have kids in the house longer than I probably wanted to, but I also am going to be doing a lot of things at an older age than I anticipated if you really come into my life, so I'm fine with that.  Speaking of age-I'd prefer it if you were born in the 1980's.  I don't think that's a dealbreaker, but we're going to need to have pretty similar world-views if we don't match on that front.

I want to see the world, with you.  My bucket list is filled with oodles of travel ideas and every trip I go on I learn that I love it more.  I want to eventually have a house and I really want an RV.  I still imagine myself winning an Oscar and publishing a novel, a dream I don't know will ever die, but a quiet, happy life together  with kids where we read and travel and watch movies is really the end-of-the-rainbow for me.  I also want to help realize your dreams.  If you want to own a business or buy a boat or run a triathlon, like I said-I'm very good at planning.  I'm a supportive person, and I might be the best thing that ever happened to you on that front.

I've been single a long time, and in my darkest moments I don't know if I believe that you exist anymore.  I have been waiting to meet you my whole life, and I'm impatient for you to make your presence known.  I have left room in my heart for you for so long that I don't know if I can bare knowing that you'll never come, or if I'm capable of filling that hole with anything other than emptiness if you don't.  I don't expect you to fix all of my problems in the same way that I can't fix all of yours without your help, but I would be lying if I didn't admit that it's been very lonely waiting for you to come into my life.

I'm a kind, caring man, someone who makes an impression on everyone he meets even if they might find me perplexing or unusual.  Most people end up liking me, though, and I bet you will too.  I might not look or act like the person you always dreamt of meeting, but I could be that guy if you give me a chance.  If you read this and it sounds like something that's been missing from your life, let me know.  Until then, stay happy.

-John