Ranting On...the Boyfriend Patch

We all pretend we're dating Finn Jones-
that's not what this article is about.

I'm going to be writing this morning's rant about something that is admittedly specific to single culture, perhaps only single culture over a certain age (I want to say I started really feeling this at around 27, though it's continued to spike as I've gotten older).  As a result this might be less of a commiserating post and more of a learning post, but who doesn't want to learn on a Friday?  You're already looking for a distraction to the ridiculously slow clock in the corner of your computer screen, so why not take in a new concept while you're at it?  As a result, I give you "the Boyfriend Patch."

What is the Boyfriend Patch you ask?  The Boyfriend Patch is not similar to the Cabbage Patch, though wouldn't that be awesome?  "Brendan was born in the Cabbage Patch 28 years ago-he likes Thai food, jazz music, and how your eyes sparkle in the moonlight"...yeah, I could get on board with that.  But no, the Boyfriend Patch is when someone tries to get as many of the benefits of you as a boyfriend without actually putting in the work of being your boyfriend.

This isn't to be confused with a Friends with Benefits situation, where you're really just using each other for sex (that's a whole other basket of issues that I will maybe address in a different post someday).  Sex isn't actually going to happen in the Boyfriend Patch situation.  Instead, this is focused more on companionship and is really only a concept that exists through the way that social media has sort of digitalized most of the first and second date encounters.  The reality is that with dating apps that basically tell you everything you want to know about a specific person, and the fact that you can email/text someone indefinitely before one of you has the guts to actually ask (Gulp!) for a coffee or a drink, you end up getting into more personal topics than you were expecting to get into as a result.  The other person on the line is just trying to have a conversation with you, a constant conversation that, unlike a date, doesn't last for just ninety minutes but instead for hours and even days on-end.  

As a result, that person will start to project onto you the attributes of a boyfriend (or girlfriend, though I will admit that this seems to be more of an issue in the gay-male world than the straight world), and will fill in the gaps with their fantasy of the person.  You have someone on the other end of the phone (usually the "boyfriend" aspect of the patch happens in texting) whom you think is cute (you're only getting flattering photos-you should think they're cute), who is talking about interests that you enjoy and is a great listener principally because you're having this conversation over days rather than hours.  But the problem here is both that that person cannot live up to your expectations in real-life, which is a huge issue since you'll leave a first date disappointed (which is going to make you less inclined to go on a second date or put the work in to keep them interested, both of which are crucial even if it was just a good date) and that increasingly that person simply doesn't want to meet.  After all, they get a lot of the things that perpetually single people really want out of the beginning of a relationship.  They get someone treating them special (which as you get older happens less and less, particularly if you don't have a spouse or children to remember birthdays or milestones or to even ask about your day in a way where they actually care and aren't just trying to get through a walk down the hall or the first couple of minutes of a meeting), they have someone whom they can text when they're blue, and they have someone to think "maybe" about for the future.

These are not small things, and I'm not going to dismiss them, or even say that I haven't occasionally indulged in the Boyfriend Patch practice.  But this concept also has a clear dark side, and that's that it's largely an illusion.  I've seen guys who do this who have been on dating websites for years and years-seemingly nice guys who are looking for something that doesn't really exist, and instead just continue to pretend.  Dating as you get older is hard, because you feel an enormous pressure both internally (why is this not happening for me?) and from people in the outside world.  Even if friends or family will assure you when you're single that "there's plenty of fish out there" and "your time will come" you still feel the pressure when you see houses bought together, weddings, babies, and all of the other milestones that people talk about while you further delve into your hobbies/career and double down on the amount of dates you go on with prospective mates.  If you're constantly finding yourself boyfriend patching, you're not actually finding a solution but a quick fix.  It's the equivalent of continually eating a bag of Cheetos with the intention of going on a diet the following Monday-it's a cycle that doesn't end until you man-up to what you're doing and stop.  And it also isn't helping you karmically either-you're making the guys on the other end of the conversation, the ones who not only see a potential boyfriend in you, but also who are jumping to meet, jumping to book that next date, think there are less and less great guys out there and are more apt to give up because "what's the point?"  So if you're a Boyfriend Patcher (or you have a friend who is CLEARLY doing this), it's time to stop.  It's fun in the short-term, but hurting you and others in the long-term, and you need to get real and find an actual mate if you want one.