My Seven Tips for Dating and Texting

One of the weirder aspects about dating today, particularly if you're over the age of 23, is that you really have to rethink the rules of dating in terms of technology.  I mean, everyone really knows that online dating is now a thing, to the point where meeting on Match, OKCupid, Tinder, and the like has become commonplace in most how-you-mets that I've heard recently.  However, as is evident in all aspects of our lives, there's a code of conduct, particularly with texting and dating, that needs to be observed, and so I figured I'd continue our semi-regular look at modern dating on the site with seven of my tips in terms of how to handle technology and 21st Century dating.

1. Don't Text Too Much Before a Date

This is always so tempting.  You like someone you meet online, you pick a date, but you're having so much fun that you want to continue writing or texting, but barring being rude and straight-up ignoring the other person, I think that it's for the best if you avoid this.  I am TERRIBLE at taking this advice, for the record, but the reality is that the more you talk before the date, two things happen-one you start to exhaust your first date topic inventory and two, you become way to familiar.  While I am not the sort of person who runs out of topics to speak about lightly (I write a daily blog, for crying out loud!), not everyone is great on a first date in this regard, particularly when you're also battling nerves, and so I recommend saving some of your A-material about meeting Julianne Moore and that summer studying in Spain for your date, as you don't want to bring it out too soon and be stuck with "how was your day?" style questions.

On the flip side, becoming too familiar may result in you saying things that you didn't mean to do so.  It's a weird conundrum-you can talk about anything you want, but always keep in mind that you don't know this person very well and it's VERY easy to say something that feels like a natural flow, but you aren't gaging facial expressions or reactions and might sink a relationship before you even dive in the water.

2. There is No 3-Day Rule, it's Now a 36-Hour Rule

This is critical after a first date, because fifteen years ago you would have waited three days.  I actually had a personal math (I'm ridiculously Type-A) of when to call after a first date (it was the principle reason I hated first dates on Thursdays at the time).  Now, though, you have texting at your disposal, so there is absolutely no reason not to text within 36-hours of the date.  And I'm not even saying wait until the end of that time.  The key here is that you pick something related to the date (a conversation you already had) or something hopelessly generic but agreeable (I had a great time meeting you) and send it the next day.  I know some people text immediately after, though this is only something you do if you're confident you hit a home run, as appearing too eager is not something you want to do if you're up-in-the-air about this other person (however, my ex-boyfriend texted me a few minutes after I had my first date with him and I thought it was adorable because I was crazy smitten with him at the time, so this isn't what one would consider an exact science).  Either way, though, if you wait three days you've become a jerk, so don't do it.

3. Follow Standard Texting Etiquette

Once the texting has started, follow standard etiquette.  Don't let a text sit longer than eight hours, preferably less than two hours if you're not at work.  Waiting too long to text back makes them think that you aren't interested, and if you are, you want to get in there and start planning future dates, and perhaps even showing your interest to distract them from planning dates with other people (frequently dating resembles an episode of National Geographic).


4. Texting is an Extension of the Date

Here's probably the worst thing someone can do while texting: be boring.  This is especially true after a first date on your way to a second.  The person has pleasant enough feelings toward you that they want to continue contact with you, but don't take this as a moment to coast, assuming that the next date is a done deal.  Instead, bring your charm to the texts, which is sometimes harder to do than it seems, so maybe make sure to rely on first date "nervousness" tropes like asking about them, wondering about specific hobbies and shared interests.  It can become SO awkward if it just becomes a "how was your day?" sort of situation between the dates, particularly if one of you is just waiting for the other one to ask them out, and I will admit that I've turned down theoretical second dates because they made me do all of the heavy lifting (the question asking and topic bringing-up) during texts.  So don't be boring, don't be crass, and don't do anything you wouldn't do on a second date (whatever that is, I'll leave up to you).

5. Plan the Next Date Quickly

One of the weirder things about texting is that it feels like a sort of nicotine patch for busy schedules.  Millennials especially are so used to their friendships being digital that they think nothing of texting someone for a week after a random coffee.  This, however, gets into laziness and doesn't really progress your relationship forward.  While I wouldn't lead with this, it's important to continue booking in-person dates with this person, and so don't take a busy schedule as a reason not to line up second or third dates.  Texting is not dating, and if you push off getting together too often at the beginning of the relationship, they're going to pass on having a relationship.

6. Snapchat is Okay, But Avoid the Rest of Their Social Media

And by avoid here, I mean don't friend or follow them on Instagram, Twitter, Tumblr, Facebook, Pinterest, or anything else unless it was something you specifically discussed on a date (you can look them up, but know that LinkedIn will show that you looked at their profile so, you know, know the rules of a site before you do your Google research).  This adds a level of creepiness and stalkerishness that even the best of first dates can't avoid.  Social media friendship should really only come up when you're either A) meeting each other's friends or B) have been on enough dates that you don't have to worry about there being another date.  Snapchat, however, is linked to their phone so it's sort of a strange workaround here, though Snapchat also can result in you having minimal communication so don't use it as a crutch.

7. Respond Back if it's a No

It used to be that a first date came with no guarantees of future communication, but if someone is nice enough to text you after a first date and you have no intention of seeing them again, say that they seem nice but you want to pass.  It's good dating karma and it means that they can continue on their dating quest.  If they become insistent, stalker-y, or rude, then that's when the block number gets hit, but unless they were heinous on the first date, this is really a nice thing to do.

Those are my seven guides for how to utilize technology with dating-what about you?  Anything you want to add to the list or experiences you've had with the above rules that you want to share?  Put them in the comments below!